Sunday, 23 December 2007

Don't do drugs kids

I haven't seen The Legend of Dewey Finn but after seeing this i think i want to.

This particular clip tells of horrors of smoking weed...

Saturday, 22 December 2007

Games to Movies

Ok, we all know most games to movies suck the shit out of a dead man's arse. For every Tomb Raider (best one i can think of to be honest) there's Doom, Street Fighter and Mario Bros.

Of course Hollywood still think they can do a decent game to movie so i present the list of movies coming out in 2008 based on games. A small handful of them you have to think that there's no way they can get this wrong, the game has a kick-ass storyline, but this is Hollywood we're talking about and they'll bastardise anything any way they see fit. Lets face it, in retrospect how the hell can they get Hitman wrong? Answer: Throw in a love interest. Dickheads!

(A couple aren't games but the list has been copied and pasted from IGN are it's still interesting so i've kept it in there, i mean; an American version of Battle Royale?! Even bigger dickheads!

Edit: I've added my own comments where applicable

Alone in the Dark 2 - First one was wank, so i heard, did anyone actually see it?
American McGee's Oz (Based on: American McGee's Oz) - Could be good if done right
Area 51 (Based on: Area 51) - Wank
Battle Royale (U.S. version) - I'd rather wank off an old man who's running his fingers through my hair at the time than watch this butchering of the best Asian movie ever made.
Biohazard: Degeneration
BloodRayne 2 (Based on: BloodRayne) - See Alone in the Dark
BloodRayne 3
Broken Sword - Might be ok, probably be wank
Castlevania (Based on: Castlevania) - Spunk bubble
Citizen Siege (Oddworld Movie) (Based on: Oddworld Adventures)
City of Heroes - Could be funny, if played seriously, wank.
Clock Tower (Based on: Clock Tower)
Crazy Taxi (Based on: Crazy Taxi) - Wank
Darkwatch (Based on: Darkwatch)
Death, Jr. (Based on: Death Jr.)
Deus Ex (Based on: Deus Ex) - Pretty cool
Devil May Cry (Based on: Devil May Cry)
Dragon's Lair - Love Dragon's Lair, but will be wank
Driver (Based on: Driver) - Empty, no storyline, lots of car chases and ultimately wank
Duke Nukem: The Movie (Based on: Duke Nukem) - bad as Doom
Eternal Darkness (Based on: Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem)
EverQuest - Baaaaaad
Far Cry (Based on: Far Cry) - Interesting, maybe
Fatal Frame (Based on: Fatal Frame)
Fear Effect (Based on: Fear Effect)
Gears of War (Based on: Gears of War) - Can't be bad... can it?
Getting Up: Contents Under Pressure
God of War (Based on: God of War) - This is gonna kick some fucking greek ass. Don't know who'll play Kratos, maybe a whitened up Michael Clarke Duncan, suppose Gerard Butler might also be good, certainly got the presence of a greek god wannabe (Doing some research on IMDb it reckons that Djimon Hounsou will be Kratos)
Half-Life (Based on: Half-Life) - Ooh, now this is the interesting one... Edward Norton for Gordon...?
Halo (Based on: Halo: Combat Evolved) - Wank
Hunter: The Reckoning (Based on: Hunter: The Reckoning)
Jagged Alliance
Joust - Stupid
Kameo (Based on: Kameo: Elements of Power)
Kane & Lynch (Based on: Kane & Lynch: Dead Men) - One for the adults perhaps, or just like Hitman
Legend: Hand of God
Max Payne (Based on: Max Payne) - Impossible to fuck up
MechWarrior (Based on: MechWarrior)
Metal Gear (Based on: Metal Gear)
Metal Gear Solid (Based on: Metal Gear Solid) - Hmm, unsure
Metroid (Based on: Metroid)
Mortal Kombat (reboot film) (Based on: Mortal Kombat) - I enjoyed the first one, can't really make it any better in my opinion
Nightmare Creatures (Based on: Nightmare Creatures)
Ninja Gold
Onimusha (Based on: Onimusha Blade Warriors)
Pac-Man (Based on: Pac-Man) - See Joust
Painkiller - See Doom
Prince of Persia (Based on: Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time) - Will Smith as the Fresh Prince of Persia
Psi-Ops (Based on: Psi-Ops: The Mindgate Conspiracy)
Resident Evil IV (Based on: Resident Evil) - Pick up the ball, now runnnnn
Return to Castle Wolfenstein (Based on: Return to Castle Wolfenstein)
Sabotage 1943
Silent Hill 2 - And the point is...?
The Sims (Based on: The Sims) - WTF
Soul Calibur (Based on: Soulcalibur)
Splinter Cell (Based on: Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell) - George Clooney for Sam Fisher?
Spy Hunter (Based on: Spy Hunter: Nowhere to Run) - The Rock is doing this one, high-octane wank.
Spyro - Kiddie Wank (not literally, obviously)
Street Fighter (New Version) (Based on: Street Fighter) - Jesus Christ
The Suffering (Based on: The Suffering) - Ooh, horror. Done delicately this could be goooood.
Tekken (Based on: Tekken) - Yeah coz Dead or Alive did so well in the box office
Tomb Raider III (Based on: Tomb Raider) - FFS
Untitled King of Kong Feature Film - Um, why?
Warcraft (Based on: Warcraft) - It was like a million fanboys all cried out at once, at then fell silent.
Zombie Massacre

Friday, 21 December 2007

Now how about that lapdance...

Watched Death Proof last night. That's the one off Grindhouse with Kurt Russell directed by Tarantino. If you still don't know what film i'm talking about then you're too uncool for school, baby.

A lot of people have criticised it for being too slow but i preferred to think of it as steady. There's a lot of dialogue, a LOT. You know the scene in Reservoir Dogs where they're all sat around the table having breakfast talking shite? Well most of Death Proof is like that. There's scenes and scenes of the girls just talking amongst themselves. But the beauty of Tarantino is that whatever they're saying, it's still interesting. You don't feel like you're watching a movie as much as you're sat there with them joining in with the chats. The conversation feels so natural between them.

And of course it's not all just talk, talk, talk. There is some action. And there's at least 4 places where you'll wince loudly. And Kurt Russell is deliciously evil but with an interestingly lonely, vunerable side.

As you can probably tell, i really enjoyed it and the other movie on Grindhouse; 'Planet Terror' is supposed to be a lot better so i thought i'd watch the shitter one first. Glad I did.

Oh yeah, and the Grindhouse style scratches and bad edits are very well done.

Thursday, 20 December 2007

I'm gonna rip off your head and shit down your throat

From the 3D Realms website, at least they've got a sense of humour about the whole thing, but it's getting to that point these days where people aren't really caring any more. The jokes have come and gone, people are moving onto new stuff and the whole duke nukem debacle has just become a little bit pathetic.

There's no way it can actually live up to it's own hype and it certainly seems like an exercise in how not to make a game...

No, you cannot pre-order the game. If you see some online store saying "We are taking pre-orders", they're just trying to get your money (they usually also make up their own supposed "insider release date info", too). There is no release date set, we are not taking pre-orders for the game. End of story.

Once we begin taking pre-orders, believe us, you'll know about it. :)

The release date of this game is "When it's done". Anything else, and we mean anything else is someone's speculation. There is no date. We don't know any date. If you have a friend who claims they have "inside info", or there's some game news site, or some computer store at the mall who claims they know - they do not. They are making it up. There is no date. Period.

And yes, we know the game has taken a long time. There's no possible joke you could make about the game's development time that we haven't already heard. :)

Wednesday, 19 December 2007

Definitely NSFW

Quite possibly the strangest Jap superhero porn I've ever seen. It's worth watching but if you're at work then I'd suggest putting your hands around the screen or reducing the window or something:

For Marvel's Sake

I really really hope this isn't the new Marvel fighting game that i stuck a trailer up for a couple of months ago, coz if it is, it's going to be proper shit.

Not just fake shit or even Diet Shit, it'll be full-fat extra caffeine shit, with nutty bits and sweetcorn in it...

Oh, and it's called Marvel Nemesis, apparently.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Here's a post from the Marvel website on the upcoming Wolverine movie. It doesn't tell you much but it's more than you already know:

Hold on to your hats, mutant lovers! 20th Century Fox has released the following statement to update movie fans on "X-Men Origins: Wolverine," the highly anticipated X-prequel set to star Marvel's lovable Canucklehead:

"'X-Men Origins: Wolverine' is set to star [Hugh] Jackman and will be directed by Gavin Hood ('Tsotsi,' 'Rendition'). The producers are Lauren Shuler Donner and Ralph Winter (who produced all three previous 'X-Men' films), along with Jackman and his Seed Prods. producing partner, John Palermo. The film will be executive produced by Marvel Films' Kevin Feige.

"Leading up to the events of 'X-Men,' 'X-Men Origins: Wolverine'—written by David Benioff ('The Kite Runner,' 'Troy')—tells the story of Wolverine's epically violent and romantic past, his complex relationship with Victor Creed, and the ominous Weapon X program. Along the way, Wolverine encounters many mutants, both familiar and new, including surprise appearances by several legends of the X-Men universe."

We can't wait! "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" is set for a May 1, 2009 release. Filming is scheduled to begin early next year in Australia and New Zealand. Check back here on for more updates on the film!

Tuesday, 18 December 2007

What you've been waiting for

Sorry, STILL not that impressed...

Bored, bored, bored

Jeebus Chris i'm bored at the moment. Completed Mass Effect, completed The Simpsons. Tried to get further in Flatout: Ultimate Carnage but couldn't as the difficulty is set to stupidly-fucking-impossible as default and you can't change it.

Started playing Brunswick Pro Bowling on the Wii last night which is the biggest pile of shitty shit ever made. Clearly they've never heard of Motion Capture as your guy walks like a retarted headless chicken needing a poo. The ball spins whenever it decides to, it rolls down the alley at about 8 mph and strikes the pins with all the force of a marshmallow hitting a concrete bunker. Annoyingly Wii Sports Bowling is about 10 times better than this spasticated crap.

Why the fuck can't they do an actual decent game for the Wii, i've lost interest in Mario Galaxy coz, like every other bloody Mario game since 64 the difficulty creeps up until it gets impossibly hard and frustrating as you get thrown back to the beginning of the level when you die, which you will, a lot!

Come to think of it, i haven't actually completed one single game for the Wii since i bought it a year ago. That's pretty poor that not one game has held my interest long enough to warrant completion!

Looks like i'm gonna be spending the next week updating and categorising my porn collection...

Now does 'Adventures of a Midget Pimp Daddy' go under Midgets or 70's?

Thursday, 13 December 2007

Manly Me

I'm so manly, i installed a washing machine last night. My first ever. And the damn thing worked too so i did the old standing back with my arms folded watching it go round.

Aaaanyway, am still playing Mass Effect and it's reeely gurd. Don't think i've ever played an rpg where i actually give a shit about the characters and don't press x to skip all the dialogue. And the shooting's great as well. None of that turn-based 1D6 bollocks, you shoot someone, their energy drops. You get a head shot, they die, simple as that.

Hopefully this might actually be the first rpg i'll ever play that i might complete. Hell i didn't even complete Twilight Princess on the Wii and that was great (even the shaking of the nunchuck to attack, back then it was actually original).

If you're looking for something during the xmas period to bring you back into that comfortable gaming bubble you all know and love, then mass effect will certainly provide that.

I'd go so far to say it's better (yes, that's better) than Oblivion. At least it's not goblins, dragons and imps which have definitely been done to fucking death.

Wednesday, 12 December 2007

Does whatever an iron can...

Another day, another video. But at least it's game related so i can be forgiven a little bit.

Tuesday, 11 December 2007

Halo 3 - A load of old bollocks really...

Fuck me, this is turning into one of those video collection blogs where people who can't actually be arsed to write anything think visitors will flock to their site in droves just because they've posted up a couple of videos of cats doing the funniest things(tm).

Saying that, Zero Punctuation feels pretty much the same as i do about Halo 3. He couldn't give a fuck about online playing. Yeah, that's me also. Who need XBL! Not me, that's for sure.

No I don't...

Don't miss it in the slightest...

(Quiet sob)

Monday, 10 December 2007

worst movies ever.

Just stumbled across this little gem actually had me and Mrs Simpeeer Laughing quite hard especially the last clip.

I've gotta see this movie

I don't know if it's real or not but holy mother of fuck, it looks awesome...

Yep, it's real...

Get me a knife and fork and a dictionary

Coz i am, quite literally, about to eat my words.

Getting so damn bored with games at the moment. Not even Call of Duty 4 is impressing me. Haven't played Kane & Lynch for about a week, fell asleep playing Assassin's Creed, UT3 is suffering from the same bugs that used to annoy me about PC gaming but i'd completely forgotton about, stuff like freezing, game suddenly quitting, etc. Even Mario Galaxy is gathering a bit of dust now as there's only so much Mario you can take at any one time.

I was so bored i got Mass Effect and my god, it's actually good. Really good. This has to be the first rpg where i've actually cared about the storyline and characters. I tell a lie, Oblivion was a great storyline but it got a bit tedious spending 2 hours in each Oblivion plane when they essentially looked and worked exactly the same as the last.

I think it's the action more than anything else. You've got the obligatory long conversations but you've also got some great action worthy of any 3rd person shooter. Then you've got hundreds of planets you can actually land on and drive around on the barren surface, even get out and scout around while the atmosphere eats away at your suit, compare this to landing at the only space port on the planet and only run through the corridors the programmers have made for you. It's a hard game, don't get me wrong, it's certainly not as easily explained as Oblivion and some of the interface options could be better, but all in all, I'm actually really enjoying it. And the gfx are superb.

Hate to coin an old cliché but if you loved Oblivion, you'll love Mass Effect.

Just remember it's for over 50 hours of gameplay, so it's not just for Christmas.

Friday, 7 December 2007

Speed Racer? Anyone?

If anyone knows what Speed Racer originally was then i'd be happy for you to enlighten me. But until the the Wachowski brothers have come up with the movie version and the trailer's now doing it's rounds. Looks very, um, i dunno, colourful?!

Can't make up my mind at all, i presume it's being faithful to the original cartoon but i never really watched that or know anything about it so i have no basis of comparison...

Thursday, 6 December 2007

It's that time again

hasn't been one for a while so here we go...

Wednesday, 5 December 2007

What are you? I'm batguy

I know half of you will be going dipshit over the new batman film. Personally i couldn't give a shit about Batman Begins coz i seem to be the only person in the world who thought it was a bit wank.

But here's a nice picture of Heath Ledger as the Joker and also the poster which has just come out. Even i'll admit he does look quite interesting. It'll be his mannerisms that'll either make or break the film though. Gonna take a hell of a lot to beat Nicholson...

Tuesday, 4 December 2007

Turnip for the books

Bought (yes that's right, i BOUGHT!) Unreal Tournament 3 for the pc on saturday.

It was like putting an old pair of slippers back on was playing with a keyboard and mouse again. Feels so comfortable and responsive compared to a controller. There's just no comparison for first person shooters.

Only bugger is i can't run it on super hires so everything looks a bit pixellated now compared to the 360.

But diyyam, it's enjoyable. Haven't played online yet but i'm actually looking forward. It's probably the only game where i can hold my own against real people and i have so missed playing with a mouse again.

I would highly recommend getting it when it comes out on the 360. Million times better than Halo and being on a hoverboard latching onto a vehicle is tres cool.

Eeh, the language...

Been playing Kane & Lynch coz there's nothing else to play. It's a lot better than i thought it would be, certainly playable. Bloody hard, and that's on easy.

Its saving grace is a storyline that's actually coherent. Each level is joined onto the previous rather than just go here, kill these people, then go here and kill these. There's a reason you're doing everything and that's a strong selling point to me.

I think that's the reason Bioshock is such a good game, it has such an immersive storyline that you want to play further coz you want to know what happens next.

Maybe it's just coz i'm getting on a bit but you can right get into a decent storyline and characters you care about.

But bugger me, the language in Kane & Lynch is fucking disgusting, there's just no need, you'll never hear that kind of crap coming out of my mouth.

Monday, 3 December 2007

Drummers Songs

Gamesradar has got an article on songs on Rock Band that would be great for the drummer to play. The problem is, this article was clearly written by a non-drummer and these songs are in fact completely wank to play.

Here's a real top 5 songs that are actually fantastic to play for drummers:

Fireball - Deep Purple
This song is the drumming equivalent of Through the Fire and Flames on Expert. It's really fast, really complex and really tight. Admittedly i can't actually play this song on the drums as i'd probably have a coronary half way through it.

Voodoo Chile - Jimi Hendrix
Absolutely brilliant song, and the drums have so much passion, they're loose and heavy, and this song is so much fun to play.

The Wizard - Black Sabbath
The drums lead this song, the fills during the verses are great and teach you a lot how a good fill can be applied to the middle of a song to really liven up a pretty basic tune.

Won't Get Fooled Again - The Who
This is already on Rock Band's line-up and is one of my personal favourites ever to play. Keith Moon is a legend and this song shows him in all his glory. He was the loosest drummer i've ever seen just throwing in fills and crashes anywhere he fancied and, my god, it sounds good.

Kashmir - Led Zeppelin
One of the simplest drum beats you can do , but it's just so damn strong in this song that John Bonham actually got a writing credit for his contribution. The crashes are just perfectly timed and coupled with the string section the drums really drive the entire song. Any other rhythm just wouldn't have worked.

Saturday, 1 December 2007


got the dreaded Z: 190D

ah well, i knew it was going to happen sooner or later, got 6 months worth out of it and if they ever bring out that killer game (i'm thinking about Rock Band here) then i can just get myself a cheap Core from somewhere and swap and change them as needed.

And i can still play everything i've got so it's not like the console's been bricked or anything.

Trying to alleviate my guttedness here...

Friday, 30 November 2007

Tis the season to be a robbing bastard

Take a look at this.

Now bear in mind that the Wii has a rrp of £180, these pikey ass-raping fucktards decide to pile a load of crap with the console and whack it out to you, the poor consumer, at fucking monkey prices.

Gamesbuyer: £289.94, no games, bunch o' CUNTS!
Kikatek: £334.95, 3 games, mario party 8, big brain academy and wii sports, mario party is ok, big brain academy is a cheapo and only good for 15 mins and wii sports comes in the box as a freebie. Fucking leeches. Amazingly they're even selling an ex-demo console for £285.

Even Dixons are jumping on the 'fuck em' bandwagon and selling it for £350 with 4 games, all shit by the way.

The worst culprits are micro direct who are selling it for £352.49 with no games. Bear in mind that this is more expensive than xbox elite with 120gb hdd.

For anyone who's going to pay these stupid prices you need to listen to me now:

They're not that good. They're certainly not worth £350. The gfx are far inferior to the xbox, the motion control is but a novelty that wears off after about an hour and your wrist gets tired pointing at the screen constantly.

There's approximately 3 good games out for it now and none of them have that all-dayer staying power, not even Mario Galaxy.

Wii Sports is good, don't get me wrong, but you'll get bored of it after about 2/3 hours of playing. The golf and boxing are rubbish, the tennis is fun but very simple, it's only really the bowling that's any good.

Save your money until after Xmas, yes your kids will probably be disappointed, after all it's them that make us go out and get raped by these high-street fucks, and smile all the way through it. But these prices are just stupid. You'd be better spending £20 on a load of boxes and building a fort with your kids.

This is like when we had the petrol strike and the few remaining petrol stations that had any left saw the opportunity and bumped up the prices to £1.50 a litre. Of course, when the strike was over these places soon went out of business as everyone hated them and didn't buy there any more. I'd love for that to happen to micro direct and all the other cunts who are profiting from your desperation.

Wednesday, 28 November 2007

Sodding XBL

Had a dream last night that i got banned. It was one of those wake up and can't work out if it's real or not.

Need to plug it back in the network tonight just so i know. It's not like i use XBL for much but it's nice to have it there, you know. Just. In. Case...

Monday, 26 November 2007

Great piece of trivia

Just finished watching Futurama: Bender's big Break. It's the new Futurama movie, they're doing 4 over the next few years and Comedy Central has picked them up, the first one's out on dvd and i would recommend watching it. Either that or wait a short while and i'm sure it'll be on Sky One soon enough.

Aaaaanyway, the great piece of trivia is:

The guy who plays the voice of Bender; John DiMaggio, is the voice of one gruff Marcus Fenix from Gears of War!

Not bad that is it?

Now how many people will be whacking in GoW to have a quick listen...

Oh, the film's very good by the way, typical Futurama standard.

A big bunch of crap

There's bog all out at the moment that i actually want, it's so frigging boring...

Let's just go through the list:

Blacksite: Area 51: Woo, just what the world needs, ANOTHER generic shooter.

Looney Tunes: Acme Arsenal: Load of wank.

Mass Effect: I would, but having a child i just don't have the time needed to devote to a game like this any more, it's one of those 100-hour games so bollocks to it.

Kane & Lynch: Saw a video review on Bravo the other day. They weren't impressed and they said that you'll just repeat most of the levels about 10 times for each one due to the amount you'll get killed and then have to restart the level only really completing it when you've worked out the pattern of all the baddies. Bit upset about this one as it looked really good.

Guitar Hero III: Doesn't interest me in the slightest, that novelty has passed, roll on Rock Band.

Need for Speed ProStreet: Christ, another sodding street racing game. How many do i need to play in one lifetime. Need for Speed: Most Wanted was the best one, everything else was shite.

Ace Combat 6: Not really that bothered about this. Dogfights always sound good in theory but in practice they just get boring and tedious very quickly. Never had one that i'd actually stick with for more than a few goes.

And you'll be annoyed to know that there's absolutely frig all coming out between now and Exmas that might possibly be good, there's a new soldier of fortune game out next week but whoopie doo, doesn't exactly fill me full of excitement like Skate did.

Ho hum, looks like it's back to being bored on Assassin's Creed or getting frustrated with Smackdown ladder matches until Xmas day.

Thursday, 22 November 2007

Unplugged and not live

I've unplugged my 360 from my network at the moment so i won't be popping up at the moment until i can do some research into this.

Wednesday, 21 November 2007

The time has come, the end is near

Looks like i've got something to look forward to when i get home...

Microsoft Starts New Ban Wave on LIVE Against Modified Firmwares *update*
It looks like Microsoft started a new wave of bans against modified DVD firmwares or DVD+/-R DL discs.
Several users on our forums and on IRC report their Xbox 360 has been banned from LIVE today. We get reports of Toshiba-Samsung and Hitachi-LG drives banned with both Xtreme and even the newer iXtreme firmwares. However we also see many reports of people who are currently on LIVE and have no been banned (yet). No reports of banned BenQ drives yet (but few of these drives have been flashed yet).

If you have the 'Z Code' 8015-190D it means you are banned. As always Microsoft bans the console serial from LIVE, not your LIVE account.
If your console is banned or if you have been playing on LIVE today with modified FW without getting banned, report you findings in this thread (include at least your live status, full drive model (swapped drive?, spoofing?) and firmware version used).

It appears that modified fw is NOT being detected, and is instead once again due to 'bad' discs. Keep in mind that the only full proof way to make a 1:1 backup is to do it yourself. iXtreme is as fullproof as it can be, in that it validates everything it possibly can from a firmware point of view, but a game can have slight data change somewhere, most commonly in DMI. Or it can be due to early copies being watermarked so to speak.

This is why you run the risk of being banned on xbox live if you pirate games. Always remember that you run a risk doing such actions.

In regards to game data being properly validated, xdvdmulleter is a tool that has a constantly maintained database to validate backups against retail copies to ensure full stealth. If you have a samsung SH-D16x and would like to contribute to the project to prevent future Live bans, please join #stealth360 on Efnet, IRC.
Discuss this news item on our forums:

A serious cry for help

I was listening to Moyles interviewing Jeremy Clarkson on Radio 1 yesterday morning and they were discussing the time on Top Gear where they all made limos out of cut n shuts. Clarkson then drove Moyles to the Bafta's or some show like that.

Anyway, they were saying that they stopped at the garage to get some nibbles. Moyles came out with 'a very popular brand of snack' that he obviously couldn't mention by name. They then let leak that it was a crisp or crisp based style snack.

Clarkson told him that he doesn't ever want to eat them, took one off him and put a lighter to it. It then dripped a shit load of kryptonite style green fat to which Moyles expressed his disgust and said he would never eat them again as long as he lived.

I have to know what crisp or crisp based snack that was so can everyone, every time they open a bag of crisps, try and burn one with a lighter.

I know it's not Pringles coz we bought some especially this morning. They just go black and stink a bit. I'm reckoning now that it's Doritos coz they have so much fat and sugar in them. John in the office reckons it's Walkers. Something different like Wotsits would probably be a good bet too.

Help me out peeps. I'm getting obsessed.

Yet more scraps from the table

Harmonix have announced the prices of the downloadable content and also the dlc that's coming out between now and the end of the year

Rock Band will still feature preselected three-song packs for download, but they will instead cost $5.49 (440 Microsoft points on Xbox 360). Songs will also be available individually for $1.99. Harmonix has said future songs will be sold individually for as little as $.99 (80 Microsoft points), and as much as $2.99 (240 points). However, "the vast majority" will come in at the standard $1.99 price point. The developer did not say how much full-album downloads would be, or when the first albums would be released.

The DLC (Some rather nice stuff here, gotta admit, I may even actually spend money):

Week of November 20, 2007: (*--asterisk denotes a cover version)
Metallica Pack
"Ride the Lightning"--Metallica
"And Justice for All"--Metallica

The Police Pack
"Can't Stand Losing You"--The Police
"Synchronicity II"--The Police
"Roxanne"--The Police

Queens of the Stone Age Pack
"3's and 7's"--Queens of the Stone Age
"Little Sister"--Queens of the Stone Age
"Sick Sick Sick"--Queens of the Stone Age

Individual Tracks
"Fortunate Son" as made famous by Creedence Clearwater Revival *
"Juke Box Hero" as made famous by Foreigner *
"Bang a Gong (Get It On)" as made famous by T-Rex *
"My Sharona" as made famous by The Knack *
"Cherry Bomb" as made famous by The Runaways *
"Joker & The Thief"--Wolfmother

Week of November 27, 2007
David Bowie Pack
"Moonage Daydream"--David Bowie
"Heroes" as made famous by David Bowie *
"Queen Bitch" as made famous by David Bowie *

Week of December 4, 2007
Black Sabbath Pack
"N.I.B." as made famous by Black Sabbath *
"Sweet Leaf" as made famous by Black Sabbath *
"War Pigs" as made famous by Black Sabbath *

Week of December 11, 2007
Punk Pack:
"Rockaway Beach"--Ramones
"I Fought the Law"--The Clash
"Ever Fallen In Love" as made famous by Buzzcocks *

Week of December 18, 2007
Individual Tracks
"My Iron Lung"--Radiohead
"Buddy Holly"--Weezer
"Brass in Pocket" as made famous by The Pretenders *

The show must go on

I went to see Lord of the Rings stage show last night at the West End.

It was a bit wank, really.

It's supposed to be the most expensive stage show ever made costing £12.5m and it's certainly impressive to look at. The stage is completely circular, revolves and breaks apart in segments so they can climb and descend. Looked pretty cool. The choreography was great, costumes looked good.

Only 2 things prevented it from being excellent. The actors and the play itself. Some of the actor choices were rubbish, Frodo had an awful whiny voice, Gandalf was bouncing around the stage like a 35 year old and Boromir sounded like Willie the Groundskeeper.

And because everyone's now seen the movies and they were so vivid there's no way you can sit and watch the stage show because the movie actors were so perfect for the characters, you just see Elijah Wood as Frodo, Ian McKellan as Gandalf, no-one else.

Imagine how truly awful it would be if they did a stage show of Harry Potter replete with the obligatory singing and dancing. That's exactly what LOTR was like. You wanted to like it, but it would really be a travesty if you did.

I wanted to see Spamalot anyway.

Tuesday, 20 November 2007

Ocarina of Time has finally been pummelled into second place

Sorry Link, there's a new 'highest ever rated game' and that game is, drum roll please... Super Mario Galaxy. It has an AVERAGE rating of 9.7 out of 10.

Which is pretty damn impressive you have to admit.

I do have it, and it is good. But the only thing that lets it down is something the game has no control over, the controller. My wrists still ache after pointing the wiimote at the screen for over 2 hours so i have to play it in bursts.

Then i just put smackdown 2008 back on.

I've been playing Smackdown for, at a guess, over 10 hours so far and how many achievements do i have to my name? None, nada, zip, zilch, bugger all, Planck constant, the square root of zero, any number minus itself. In one word, fuck all.

Then i had a look at the achievement list for it. It's bloody stupid. How hard do they want to make it. Some of them i don't even know how to do!

Below is the list of achievements for Smackdown 2008 (i didn't know the secret ones until now, some of them might actually be possible):

1. That's gonna leave a mark
Powerbomb an opponent on top of a steel step in any match type. 20 Points

2. Possession is 9/10 of the law
Steal your opponent's taunt 3 times in any One on One match. 20 Points

3. Put'em in a body bag
Turn your opponent's entire limb damage meter red in any match type. 20 Points

4. I'd like to thank the academy
Defeat a Powerhouse Superstar with the Possum Pin in any match type. 20 Points

5. You've got a bit of red on you
Get busted open by your opponent on legend difficulty in any match type and win. 20 Points

6. Who says originality is dead
Create an original CAS, ring entrance and created Championship. 20 Points

7. King of the mountain
Place first in every type of tournament in Tournament mode. 20 Points

8. If it bleeds..
Bloody every ECW Superstar on the roster. 20 Points

9. Submission-sensei
Win a Normal Submission match without having your Struggle Submission hold broken once. 50 Points

10. Stop yapping and fight
Argue with the referee 4 times in a match and win. 20 Points

11. That's one for the record books
Eliminate 20 opponents in a 30-Man Royal Rumble. 20 Points

12. Now that's hardcore
Bloody and defeat a Hardcore Superstar on legend difficulty in an ECW Extreme Rules match and win. 20 Points

13. The best there was..
Win a 20-minute Ironman match on legend difficulty without surrendering a point to your opponent. 20 Points

14. A fighting champion
In ranked online matches, defend a CAC title 5 times against 5 different players within 24 hours. 75 Points

15. Gold digger
Win a Created Championship 10 times in ranked online matches. 70 Points

16. On fire
Win 30 consecutive ranked online matches. 75 Points

17. Escape Artist
Wiggle free from every Ultimate Control Grapple at least once. 20 Points

18. What The..."
Preview the Mexican Stretch Turnbuckle move in Create a Moveset. 10 Points

19. Secret Achievement
Secret achievement. 10 Points

20. You've got guts
Complete a ranked online title match. 20 Points

21. Send'em back to Louisville
Lose to an opponent who has more limb damage than you. 10 Points

22. Now offering non-stop flights
Stand on a ladder and suplex your opponent out of the ring in a ladder match. 20 Points

23. Rope a dope
Perform a succesful springboard attack off each side of the ropes. 20 Points

24. This year's inductee
Play as a GM in 24/7 Mode and obtain the GM of the Year Award. 350 Points

25. On The Job
Lose 5 consecutive ranked online matches. 10 Points

26. Better luck next year
Be the first Superstar eliminated in a 30-Man Royal Rumble. 10 Points

Monday, 19 November 2007

Gotta know when to stop though...

Oh and they're doing a Princess Bride game.

And a Joust movie. I'll just say that again slowly; A Joust.... movie!

where knights on ostriches hit each other off, and that's it.

2008 - The age of the 80's movie in 21st Century game

Yep, you heard it here first. Next couple of years you're gonna see an explosion of old movies getting reinvented as games.

First off the block we've got Ghostbusters 3. It's the game sequel to, well, Ghostbuster 2 obviously!

All the main 4 guys have all granted their likenesses to it and will even do the voice acting as well, as will Annie Potts and William Atherton. Aykroyd and Ramis will even write the script although i have heard that they wrote the official script to Ghostbusters 3 donkey's years ago so maybe they'll use some of that.

Anyway, here's some early footage and screenshots. Must admit, Dan Aykroyd looks pretty funky.

A fantastic exmas prezzie idea

If you've got a prezzie to buy for a young nephew or son that's under 10 then this is just the best present you could get them, remember how cool microscopes were when we were kids, putting salt and dead ants and money under them. Oh how we had literally minutes of fun with them before James Greenwood knocked it over with his big flapping feet and broke the lens.

Well, now you've got the new microscope for the modern age. It's called the eyeclops. It's this big eye that you hold in the hand, plug it into the vga socket on the telly and it magnifies anything up to 200x, on the telly!

No more squinting for 3 hours and nearly going blind coz it's now all on the telly.

It's on amazon for £35, bargain at the hour of fun they'll have before their mate wrenches it from their hands and smashes it against the wall.

Sunday, 18 November 2007

Just a quickie

I have been so fucking ill recently and have been getting about 3 hours sleep a night for the last 3 nights so i don't have the mental capacity to write my usual witty repartee at the moment.

Here's something from those amusing chaps at HISHE (How it should have ended). This one's Spidey 3. It's most amusing and would have been a hell of a lot better than the actual film itself. Still can't believe that fuck-ass butler waited until the 3rd film before he told Harry his father killed himself. 'Yeah but your father killed himself, no doubt about it. Oh you didn't know? Shit, meant to tell you. Completely forgot. Doesn't really matter though does it'

Thursday, 15 November 2007

If 24 started in 1994 it would look very different

The manliest name ever in existence

Staff Sergeant Max Fightmaster

That is the greatest name in the history of anyone's name, ever.

'Don't fuck with that guy, don't you know that's Max Fightmaster?'
'Not Staff Sergeant Max Fightmaster!'
'The very same'
'Oh shitting bollocks, we're so fucked'

It's a real guy too

C'mere, and there's more...

And Kane & Lynch is supposed to be another 'style-over-substance' game as well. Pretty but underwhelming. I'll probably still get it anyway.

Getting a bit annoying, this...

Assassin's Creed - Final word

It's good, but it's not great. There, I said it

It's pretty repetitive, it's not 'stealthy' enough to be the game you want it to be. The story is superfluous and you don't really care. It's basically 'Go to this point, kill this guy, come back'. There doesn't seem to be any 'Go to the place, follow him until he's on his own, kill his guards one by one so no-one notices anything, kill him only by stealth then hide him in his bed' kind of stuff. That would have been ace.

But that doesn't happen. You just kill them then leg it from the guards. Don't get me wrong, the graphics are absolutely amazing, the city looks great and for one of the first times ever in a game it does feel like a living breathing city. You'll get beggars running up to your face and asking for money repeatedly, even when you push them away. You've got mad folk that'll shove you if you get too close. The city really does feel alive. And the climbing is fantastic, much better than prince of persia or any other game that does climbing. It just feels so organic.

The sword fighting is pretty rubbish and it's far more enjoyable to escape over the rooftops. It's pretty much limited to 3 things to do, hack (press x), hard hack (keep x pressed) and counter-attack (press x when blocked). Oh yeah, you can also chuck em off buildings. As you can see it's not exactly God of War here.

And the main problem it's just a wee bit too slow.

I know it looks absolutely amazing and the best thing since forever and i'm really sorry to do this to you but it's just, well..., not!

If i were you, i'd hire it, i wouldn't buy it. You'll probably complete it in a couple of days if you played it solidly. And there's no replay value other than achievements but isn't that the case with every 360 game?

Rock Band just gets better all the time.

Posted from gamesradar:

Is Rock Band too good to be true? Not only does it threaten to take Guitar Hero to its logical multiplayer evolutionary state, but now Alex Rigopolus - Harmonix CEO and lead drummer – tells Official Xbox Magazine (on its spiffy new website) that you’ll be able to take your band out of the game and into the real world with shirts, stickers, and - wait for it - figurines.

Rock Band gives every player the chance to customize their character, down to tattoos and face paint, save it all on the hard drive, and watch as their name appears in lights on stages, tour buses, and billboards. But Alex says “all of that stuff, we're going to be able to export to your web pages, and from there you'll be able to take your band avatars, pose them, create album covers with your band logo and different scenes with your avatars. And then you'll be able to turn that into real world stuff. For example, figurines based upon your Rock Band avatars, t-shirts with your fake band's album art and your tour dates on the back from your accomplishments within the game, bumper stickers, old records, things like that. Really cool real-world merchandise based on this fictitious band that you've created in the game.”

Couldn't be more awesome. Whether or not it will actually happen is another matter entirely. First, we gotta make it to the game's launch next week.


The only problem here that I see, is that the figurines and avatars of my band would consist of a lead singer who looks like Jack Black and about as fat (edit: apparently he's not fat, he's big boned; cuddly; water retained; jolly; however you big chubbers want to approach it). A fat balding guy with his shirt off behind the drums. A tall thin guy on bass with a paunch, A short guy on lead with a paunch and a beardy weirdy with long megadeth style rock hair on rhythm, with a paunch. We're not exactly Slipknot here.

I can't see McFarlane toys making these any time soon...

Wednesday, 14 November 2007


Yes yes yes, I've got Assassin's Creed. Who wants to touch me?

I said who wants to touch me, goddammit.

I'd love to tell you what it's like but i've only played an hours worth of the game so far and i haven't really got into the meat of it yet.

So i'll tell you what i can.

It's a little like Hitman but not as hard.

The storyline is very different to what you expect it to be. It's like an end of story twist but right at the beginning.

Climbing is fantastic, it's so easy and it looks so frickin' cool. You just keep rs & A pressed down then run into a wall, Altair will jump and climb as high and fast as he can. Fantastic when you're giving it legs away from the guards.

It's a slow game. VERY slow. This isn't a game where you rush around killing everyone in sight. It's a game where you have to walk slowly past guards with your head bowed and then blend into the crowd. This isn't a game for kids, they'd just get too bored.

The crowd is excellent, so is working your way through the crowd. The way Altair weaves between the traffic of people putting his hands on peoples shoulders so he can get past and giving them a gentle push so they get out of the way when necessary is amazing.

Gfx are just superb but that goes without saying.

On the bad side, there doesn't seem to much depth to the game yet. You can walk around one of the 4 cities (that take you about 20 minutes to travel between on horseback) and do various things. As usual you have your main quest and numerous side quests dotted about. My main quest was to find out 2 things about something which i did, then you can keep wandering around the city helping beggars by killing the guards who are pushing them around or you can find the 9 lookout points at the tops of towers. These open a large radius of the map quickly, which is always useful.

I hope it gets more depth further in the game as it's a little too freeform for an assassin game but, admittedly, i am only at the beginning at the moment. I'll update in a couple of days.

Tuesday, 13 November 2007

OMFG - Fuck Freebird, Rock Band has the greatest song ever

One word.....

Go on, say it, you know you want to!

What a wasted opportunity

The more I play Smackdown vs Raw 2008 the more i see a wasted opportunity that i'm very surprised they haven't done yet.

Where's all the trash talking you can do? You can invade someone elses fight but it would be cool to get the mic and call your rivals out from the main stage. Or trash talking to the audience where you have to whip them up into a frenzy, then your opponent could come legging it down the ramp and you could have an impromptu fight right there and then with no rules. Or ambushing your opponent on the way to the ring.

There's so much here that i'm so amazed they haven't even attempted anything like it. It's not like they can't put it in the next version. Christ, a new one comes out every 6 months.

Nevertheless, still a great game, but it could just be so much more.

And how the hell do i turn off entrance movies, the damn things take so long to load and they get very tiresome very quickly.

Monday, 12 November 2007

What every home needs

And i was just thinking the other day that they should bring out a plush weighted companion cube

Xbox Live

This is why i'm apprehensive about playing on Xbox Live with the mic and everything. I know it's american and they're all stupid yankee teenagers obsessed with homophobia out there but the principal's the same.

Smack-a-down: Number 1

Got Smackdown vs Raw 2008. Amazingly, this one is very good. I'm actually getting into it for the first time ever for a smackdown game. Been trying them all since Bring the Pain and haven't got into any of them at all.

Maybe coz i've finally worked out how to play the game properly. Simple things like tagging out, double teaming, jumping over the top rope onto the mats below and submissions are all damn tricky and there's no tutorials to work through so it's just a case of button mashing until something works. So without further ado:

'Introducing... from the United Kingdom... PENNNNNCCILLLLLSSSS...'

You get my point?! (That's my little catchphrase, Pencils, You get my point?! Get it, coz a pencil has a point, and it can have a double mea... Oh forget it)

It's-a ME!!!

So Super Mario Galaxy is finally out. What's it like i hear you cry.

Well, it's pretty fucking mental to be honest. The level design is superb and very trippy, you find yourself tilting your head to try and make sense of running upside down on a floating ball in space. It's certainly the best game to come out on the Wii since the console's launch a year ago.

Might actually restore my faith in the Wii finally.

Friday, 9 November 2007

Drunkenmoney's Mii

This is about as close as you can get, Dan needs his hair a little longer, but the resemblance is pretty uncanny...

Thursday, 8 November 2007

Halo 3 Dependency

This one's for RubberDave who is going through a equally difficult time right now...

An IQ of 148...

Did this test last night:

Got a score of 148. Thank you, i'll have some of THAT! Isn't that 2 points off genius?

Give it a go, let me know what you get. You've got a limit of 20 minutes but i finished it with 8 mins to spare.

Stupid rings of death

Has anyone else noticed how stupid the rings of death are?

Drunkenmonkey received the fabled rings last night trying to play bioshock but he's just realised today that it might be 4 rings instead of 3 so there's a glimmer of hope there.

I mean, when they were developing the console, what knobhead created those 2 error codes so close to each other?

4 lights: Your AV cable is slightly out, needs jiggling.
3 lights: Your console is proper fucked, needs chucking.

There must have been a shit load of people who have sent their console back thinking it's knackered only to have been told 4 weeks later that their console is fine and it was 4 rings, not 3.

How about:

Top left ring blinking: AV cable out, needs jiggling.
All rings on solid: Fucked.

Then at least there'd be no confusion.

Fucking clown shoes.

Wednesday, 7 November 2007

Damn you dirty Sony

The next chapter to the two greatest games in the world is PS3 only.

[Gets on knees raising hands to the air in slow motion while it's raining]

How to ruin a game in 1 easy step

Answer: Let the British media get hold of it.

Manhunt 2.

Just read the review of it, now the brutal murders (which, let face it, were the only decent things on Manhunt 1) are heavily blurred so you can't tell what's going on. What a load of shite. The reviews even say it's not as brutal as the first game but it's STILL banned in the UK. Fucking nanny state is getting right on my tits.

Who the hell are these dickheads to say what I can and can't watch and play. Censorship pisses me off more than most things in this world (second only to marijuana prohibition).

I am of the generation that grew up with most video nasties banned as the government believed I would go out and do copycat killings. Amazingly, no-one did. The videos eventually got released and everyone realised how rubbish they really were.

Now i believe there's going to be a spate of banned video games. Mark my words, the Daily Mail brigade will be banning anything that has a suspicious title left, right and centre.

Tuesday, 6 November 2007

Can you honestly say you care?

Activision reported that Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock took over $100 million in North American retail sales in the seven days after it went on sale on October 28.

"It is, by far, the most successful launch in Activision history," said Activision CEO Bobby Kotick.

Guitar Hero III is the game you clamber over to get to Rock Band. Like the ugly but faithful female friend the high school jock pushes aside at the prom to get to the fit bird with big tits.


I nearly forgot, I've got Virtua Fighter 5 which i had a few hours on Saturday but then gave up after 25 consecutive wins without losing a single fight. Got a bit bored after that.

Gfx are very attractive but it's still no Tekken 3. Just doesn't have those kick-ass moves that Tekken executed so beautifully.

Ah, Tekken Ball, how I loved thee so.

Official reviews

With all the new games i've got recently here are the official reviews.

Metroid Prime: It's good, for a Wii game, but it aches your arm having to point at the bloody screen. Maybe that's why Wii games aren't great for any length of time.

Timeshift: Pretty good, but the powers aren't REALLY good, they're just pretty cool. The freeze time only works for about 3 seconds so it's not massively useful. Maybe it gets longer when you get further through the game. The slow time feels like that bit in The One (the Jet Li film) where the bad Jet Li is kicking the shit out of the coppers in slo-mo and just zipping to one after the other.

The Simpsons: Funny but not as fun. It's a good game, but it's certainly been done before. It's saving grace is the humour which makes it into one of the funniest episodes for a while.

Naruto - Rise of a Ninja: Tres cool, see below.

What a lovely surprise

Isn't it always nice when you come across an undiscovered gem. Well, Naruto certainly is that gem. It's really, really good. In fact it's so good it warranted two really's. The gameplay is nothing new; action adventure, doing errands, running around collecting things but the cool thing is the fights. It's proper Dragonball style fighting, earth shattering special moves (literally). Only bugger is, you need to have the reactions of a puma. On top of that it's got some very enjoyable anime cutscenes that really do make you want to play more to futher the progession of storyline.

It'll certainly keep me going until...

Assassin's Creed is out on the 16th Nov. 10 days and counting. Nearly as excited about this as i was with Skate. I stress 'Nearly'.

If you get next months issue of PC Zone you'll get City of Villains free. Played City of Heroes and it was a lot of fun. It's a subscription game but you get the first month free. Certainly worth playing for the free month.

Saturday, 3 November 2007

I hope you fucking die, real fucking soon - An Open Letter

I don't want the best smileys on the web and i'm not in any rush to create my own fucking zwinky.

That fucking flash banner with the smileys that shouts 'Helloooooo' when i accidentally roll over it has to be the most annoying advert on the interweb.

Also why, in 7 shades of FUCK, would i want to create my own Zwinky? They're not even very good designs, they just look pre-2000 shitty flash artwork. I'm sure i could do better myself and maybe even make them possibly useful in some manner.

Words cannot express how much i hate Zwinkys and smileys. If i ever meet the people who created these abominations of the internet i'm going to throw them in a pit along with the fuckers who keep sending me spam about cheap Rolex's every fucking day of my working life. You, sirs, are the lowest form of single-celled amoeba on this disgusting marketing saturated planet. I weep for the future, i really do.

Rant over, you may go about your normal business.

Friday, 2 November 2007

Now that's funny

It's official. The funniest 5 points has just been officially allocated.

Forget completing Episode I with only 1 bullet for 10 fucking points. for The Simpsons game you have to do the tricky task of pressing Start to play; 5 points...

Just give me a catheter and let me be

It's games-a-cock-ho this weekend. Got Metroid Prime 3, Simpsons game, Naruto and Time Shift for this weekend.

Missus was bitching at me for not playing on my Wii that much recently and as luck would have it a game actually came out in the last couple of days that i actually want to play so this'll keep me going until Mario Galaxy comes out. Plus then i've got a whole 3 hours sat behind a drum kit AND i've even got a new screw for my double-bass pedal.

Oh, if there's better things in life than lots of gaming followed by stress-releasing drumming i've yet to experience it.

Thursday, 1 November 2007

There are times where i wish i had a daughter instead of a son...

I've said it before...

And it's certainly not the last time i'll say it but some people have too much time on their hands!

If you don't know what this is depicting, then you're not my friend.

Wednesday, 31 October 2007

The 100 Greatest Gore Moments in Movies

When you've got a few minutes spare take a look at this. It's most entertaining. The sad part is i've seen most of these movies as horror films kick ass.

The most disturbing moment in a movie, to me, is one you don't actually see anything of. It's the whole 'testicle' section in Hard Candy. It's the only film i've ever stopped halfway through to go sit in the bathroom coz i truly felt sick. Proves that the imagination is the most powerful tool Hollywood has got.

Friday, 26 October 2007

I find this funny but hate both the references

If youve ever played katamari you should find this amusing. I played it but couldnt bring myself to enjoy it, just seemed very annoying. Bit like Star-Wars the other reference in the picture, everyone else seems to love it but I really cant stand it, is it just me or is it the biggest piece of overhyped rubbish ever?

The adventures of Portal Bill

Completed Portal last night. Most entertaining although the entire final level can only be described as a bitch. I think most of the stuff i did in that level was flukey and nothing else.

You can't beat the song at the end though. Worth completing it again just to hear the song another time.

Apparently near the very end there's a massive tv on the wall with orange text on it and within the garbled text it actually has the ingredients and directions for the cake. Great little easter egg, that.

Thursday, 25 October 2007

Yet another giggler to brighten up your Friday

There's a site where they've modified mucky pictures to something a bit more innocent. Dunno the URL, Simpeeer found this one.

MIGHT not be safe for work but will be amusing if you've got mates looking over your shoulder...

Wednesday, 24 October 2007


Or the British Academy Video Game Awards. Now in its second year and people get an actual Bafta for winning so it's not like the TV Quick Awards where it some shite that doesn't really matter.

It was on last night and it looks like a big night for Wii Sports taking home a shit load of awards.

* Action and Adventure - Crackdown (Realtime Worlds, Microsoft, X360)
* Artistic Achievement - Okami (Clover Studio, Capcom, PS2)
* Best Game - BioShock (2K Boston/2K Australia, 2K Games, PC, X360)
* Casual - Wii Sports (Nintendo, Wii)
* Gameplay - Wii Sports (Nintendo, Wii)
* Innovation - Wii Sports (Nintendo, Wii)
* Multiplayer - Wii Sports (Nintendo, Wii)
* Original Score - Okami (Clover Studio, Capcom, PS2)
* Sports - Wii Sports (Nintendo, Wii)
* Strategy and Simulation - Wii Sports (Nintendo, Wii)
* Story and Character - God of War II (SCE Santa Monica, SCE, PS2)
* Technical Achievement - God of War II (SCE Santa Monica, SCE, PS2)
* Use of Audio - Crackdown (Realtime Worlds, Microsoft, X360)
* BAFTA Ones to Watch Award (Independent Dev) - Ragnarawk (Voodoo Boogy)
* The PC World Gamers Award (Public Voting Online) - Football Manager 2007 (Sports Interactive, Sega, PC)

I agree with quite a few here, God of War II kicked some royal ass and it certainly the best game ever made for the PS2, hell of a swansong to go out on. Bioshock for best game, yep, i'd go with that one. Never actually played Okami, it looked very good but i just never got around to it. It's coming out on the Wii at some point so might have to give it a good checking when it does.

Nice to see the PS3 got some recognition. I'm sure this'll do their games production and console sales a lot of good...

Didn't play anything last night as i watched Ratatouille. Really great movie, thoroughly enjoyed it. Brad Bird (director, writer) is Midas at the moment. Be nice if he could do the hat-trick and make a third cracker (first was The Incredibles).

Monday, 22 October 2007


There's only been 2 games in the last 25 years i've ever got a bit choked up.

The first one was Shadow of the Colossus when Agro slips and falls near the end and the second is now HL2: Episode 2. I defy anyone not to get a bit watery on that very last line when it fades to black.

If you don't then you've got your emotions chip turned off or something geeky like that.

You know a game is better than good when you actually get enough emotional attachment to care about the characters.

Now you've got to excuse me, i've got something in my eye...

Exmas is coming, my game collection is getting fat

Aaah, i'm just dribbling over everything that's coming out between now and Exmas.

Fuck the dark nights, fuck the morning frost outside and all that crap associated with winter, who cares about whats going on outside when you've got a veritable smorgasbord of games coming out over the next couple of months:

In chronological order we've got:

Oct 26: Clive Barker's Jericho
Nov 2 : Simpsons Game, Timeshift, Call of Duty 4
Nov 9 : WWE 2008, Lego Star Wars complete saga
Nov 18: The Biggie -> Assassin's Creed
Nov 23: Guitar Hero III, Kane & Lynch, Mass Effect, NFS ProStreet, Army of Two

Oldie but definitely a goodie

Don't know if you've seen this before but it's very amusing:

This week i have mostly playing...

Orange Box, duh!

It's really really good though. Episode 2 is fantastic and i think i'm nearly at the end of as it's only supposed to be 5 hours long.

For one achievement you have to get a Gnome that sits near the beginning of the game. Then carry it with you all the way through the entire game up to near the end where you have to put it in a rocket so you can send the Gnome into Space. 30 points well earned methinks. Although i haven't done it yet, the game's short enough to do it again just for that achievement alone.

Portal: Fiendishly tricksy.

Apparently the automated voice in Portal is hilarious but i'm going deaf so i couldn't really hear what she was saying. It will be cool if they incorporate the portal gun into Ep.3.

In case you're not 100% sure of what it's about, your left trigger shoots an orange oval onto a wall, your right shoots a blue one. You walk through one, you come out of the other. It's pretty much that simple. But the puzzles are sodding hard. Or maybe i'm just thick, i'm not sure.

Team Fortress 2: Foo-kin mental. Tried it with some trepidation last night as it's online only, no bots. Don't like online that much. But you know what, it's brilliant! The class system is so much fun and the Spy is a work of genius.

You push left on the d-pad and disguise yourself as any class of the opposite side. Your team mates see you as a their spy with a cardboard cutout mask on your face but the opposite site see you as one of their own.

Of course, if you're running along with a bunch of your own side steaming in to claim a point, it's pretty obvious what you are so you have to play it cunning. Act like the enemy, hide in the shadows then come up behind them, if you can get up behind them you can literally back stab them and kill them in one hit. If you miss then your cover is blown and they waste the shit out of you. You've also got temporary invisibility and the ability to disable gun turrets set up by enemy engineers.

Absolutely great fun, and i've only tried 2 of the 9 classes so far. Think i'll be playing this game for a while as (amazingly) i'm actually not too bad at it.

Bundle that all together with the best game ever made and the first expansion pack for the best game ever made all onto one shiny new disk, then add in the fact that you'll have a semi bonk-on for Alyx and there's no reason on earth not to get this.

Friday, 19 October 2007

Getting better all the time

There's an article on IGN about the vocal section in Rock Band. To activate star power (which is now called Overdrive) you sing in a bit where you not supposed to sing. Like during a guitar solo you can shout 'Lets here it from all the bitches in the house' or some other suitable singer type shout. Then in overdrive mode the crowd will actually sing along with you in the chorus and stuff.

How frickin' cool does that sound?

Coz i'm wanted, WAAAAAANTEEEEED... [everyone!] DEAD OR ALIVE!

On the down side the sarky i made earlier about it not coming out in the UK until Spring is actually looking likely. Load of foo-kin bollocks, that's what it is.

The Future's Bright

Got hold of the Orange Box last night. So i'll be portaling it up tonight with a delicate splash of Team Fortress 2 and an Episode 2 on the side.

Tried Tiger Woods 08 last night coz Simpeeer was pestering me to play it. Well i say tried, i played 2 holes then turned it off and continued Conan. You really can't play golf with a little thumbstick. Doesn't feel right at all. Skate; yes. Golf; hell no.

It was great on the PC as it really felt intuitive swinging the club with the mouse. But on a joypad there's definitely something missing.

Tiger Woods + Xbox 360 = Bit shit really.

Simp seems to like it though. I think it's coz he's so shit on Skate that he's trying to compensate...

Tuesday, 16 October 2007

Official: Batman is a wanker.

The 30 Most Hideous Gaming Tattoos

I can't be arsed to copy and paste all the copy and images from someone else's website so here's a link to it. It's certainly worth looking through to laugh at people more stupid than yourself.

Suddenly that Soundgarden tattoo you got when you were 17 doesn't look so dumb any more.

Monday, 15 October 2007

Rock Band - The Listing

Here are 37 of the 45 songs coming out on the fantastic Rock Band in November (or whenever it's released in Britain, probably next Spring or something).

Now, is it me, or is this the most kick-ass lineup ever. There's so many mental songs on here, i don't know where to begin. I actually know more than i don't. Ooooohhhh, can't wait now.

Best quote ever about the game: Harmonix representatives have suggested, "If you can play the drum parts on hard, you can pretty much play the drums [in reality]."

* "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" – Jet
* "Black Hole Sun" - Soundgarden
* "Blitzkrieg Bop" – Ramones
* "Brainpower" – Freezepop
* "Celebrity Skin" – Hole
* "Cherub Rock" – Smashing Pumpkins
* "Creep" – Radiohead
* "Dani California" - Red Hot Chili Peppers
* "Detroit Rock City" - Kiss
* "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" – Blue Öyster Cult
* "Enter Sandman" – Metallica
* "Epic" – Faith No More
* "Flirtin' with Disaster" – Molly Hatchet
* "Gimme Shelter" – Rolling Stones
* "Go with the Flow" – Queens of the Stone Age
* "The Hand That Feeds" – Nine Inch Nails
* "Here It Goes Again" – OK Go
* "Highway Star" – Deep Purple
* "I Think I'm Paranoid" – Garbage
* "In Bloom" – Nirvana
* "Learn to Fly" – Foo Fighters
* "Main Offender" – The Hives
* "Maps" – Yeah Yeah Yeahs
* "Mississippi Queen" – Mountain
* "Orange Crush" – R.E.M.
* "Paranoid" – Black Sabbath
* "Reptilia" – The Strokes
* "Sabotage" – Beastie Boys
* "Say It Ain't So" – Weezer
* "Should I Stay or Should I Go" – The Clash
* "Suffragette City" – David Bowie
* "Tom Sawyer" – Rush
* "Vasoline" – Stone Temple Pilots
* "Wanted Dead or Alive" – Bon Jovi
* "Wave of Mutilation" – Pixies
* "Welcome Home" – Coheed and Cambria
* "Won't Get Fooled Again" – The Who

Crash of the Titans - The most honest review ever


I mean really, really wank. Not just like a quick slip off the wrist. This is a send the wife and kids to the cinema for the night coz i'm in for an all-night porn-vortex wrist-buster type wank.

They've taken all that was decent and holy about Crash Bandicoot and make it into utter shite.

I've thrown the disk out of the window as hard as i could.

It's that time of year again

No, not for my bath (that's at christmas). It's where all the new games come out in droves in the run up to Exmas.

It's now been long enough after Halo for the publishers to start releasing games again and i'm just picking up any old crap that's coming out as i'm desperate to play something.

So this week i have mostly been playing Conan as i've completed Skate. It's similar to God of War but without the epic-ness. Which isn't a terrible thing, it's just what made God of War better than everything else. So it's not bad, certainly worth a rent but i wouldn't buy it.

Had a quick go of PGR4 last night on the steering wheel. It's, um, exactly the same as 3 except with bikes and weather. And that's all i have to say about that.

Also got Spider-Man: Friend or Foe, don't care if it's a double dragon rip-off. It's Spider-Man and i have a duty to complete it just like i have with every other spidey game ever (apart from 3, can't do that one).

Plus i've got Crash of the Titans which is the welcome return of Crash Bandicoot. I love Crash Bandicoot, me. But i suspect i may not last long when i can't throw the controller at Simp after i've fallen down the same hole for the last 7 times and he's going on with the 'Give it here, i'll do it' in that annoying fucking smug-faced gittish way of his. And then he does, first time. And then i want to punch him.

Simp's moaning at me to play Tiger Woods 08, just can't bring myself to put it in the drive. Keep meaning to; but can't.

Saturday, 13 October 2007

Wrestling is real no really!!

I have come across perhaps the ultimate proof that wrestling is real and not just men in spandex touching each other.

Friday, 12 October 2007

Jimbeeer hates Kids I hate Asian Gamers.

How come all asian gamers are so fucking good at games, look at this video and tell me that you do not hate this person. They are so skilled at this game it makes me sick. And this is just one of many videos I have seen.

Kids are little pieces of shit

Especially kids that are better than me at something. I just want to kick the shit out of this little bastard. Not because he's smug or freaky or even a bit weird. It's just coz he'll be better than me at most games and it's people like him who always thrash me online at games i thought i was good at. He even plays half of it not watching the screen. I suppose that's the point of playing guitar though.

EA sucks really big balls

Couldn't get onto bloody skate multiplayer last which was bloody annoying to say the least. Wouldn't pit me up with anyone on a quick ranked match and messed up when i tried to do a custom match.

Then i didn't have anything else to play, so i sat staring at my list of games, couldn't see a single thing that popped out to me so watched Bionic Woman instead.

Thursday, 11 October 2007

Addiction just means you're not getting enough of something

In my case, i can't get enough of skate. I've already completed the game and now i'm trying to get all the achievements. That's ALL the achievements. I've just got to hide myself away in a no skate zone for another hour and i've got the milestones achievement so that would mean i've got everything for single player.

Then it's onto multiplayer. Oh jeebus, not looking forward to looking like the runt of the litter again and people sniggering at me coz i can't get any points and fall over doing a basic kickflip.

I love the smell of ice cream in the morning

Speedball 2 is out next week.

I can see a big ol' tournament coming on soon. Get ready to be carried off on a stretcher bee-atches.

Now where would you put this, it wont fit on the mantlepiece

Well I think I know what Jimbeeer wants for xmas. Check this out.

Not quite sure where he would put it though.

Wednesday, 10 October 2007

I drive truck, break arms, and arm wrestle. It's what I love to do, it's what I do best.

Over the Top: 1987, Stallone.

Lincoln Hawk (Stallone) is making his way to Vegas to compete in the arm wrestling world champion and he ends up taking his estranged son who's mum's died or something like that. Anyway, this kid's a right stuck up little tosser that's been in military school or something and of course Stallone lives on the road in his truck and is a bit of a greaser. They hate each other and have nothing in common but they eventually bond and even learn something about themselves along the way.

Fucking fantastic film and way better than The Wizard, which is a bit rubbish these days. Definitely best film ever made about Arm Wrestling.

Plus it's got everything that makes a winner, the kid runs off in a wobbler, hating his dad and gets into trouble while he's pissed off. Stallone turns his cap around just before a match and that makes him better. Big fuck-off bad guys called Grizzly and Bull Hurley and other equally shit-inducing names. When Stallone is losing he moves his fingers in a special way and it's like this arm-wrestling secret that makes him win every match. I mean, who didn't try that when they were kids hoping it'd do the same. Even the song is cool; 'Winner takes it all, loser takes a fall, gonna take it over the top!'. Class.

Best quote of the film: My whole body is an engine. This is a fireplug [makes a fist] and I'm gonna light him up.
Cheese Factor: Gorgonzola

Next week, Critters.

Demo muri dayo

Been getting some of the latest demos from XBL as i haven't done any for a while.

Got Simpsons, Clive Barker's Jericho and Conan. Here are my reviews for each, I've tried to be informative but succinct.

Simpsons: S'alright.

Conan: Bit wanky.

Jericho: Not scary.

Tuesday, 9 October 2007

Praise the lord for multiplayer

You know how much i love multiplayer and playing online. Well the mp for Kane & Lynch sounds abo-fucking-lutely mental.

You all start as bank robbers robbing a bank. All the money you get from the successful robbery gets split 8 ways between you. But wouldn't it be cool if you can lower that number so the split is between, say, 4 or 5 people?

Well in Kane & Lynch you can. If you like, you can waste your teammate and they then come back as a cop with a hefty bounty on your head. You then get an orange triangle with traitor written on it so everyone knows what you've done.

Your escape is in the form of a getaway car that comes around the block every 30 seconds. You can, if you like, wait until everyone else gets in the car, then waste the car, leaving you the only survivor and pocket all the loot, or you can just stand on a wall and pick everyone off as they come out of the building. Cue a shit load of paranoia and not trusting your colleagues.

Whatever happens, it all sounds rather damn cool and wouldn't matter if you were shit or decent at multiplayer as there'd be something for everyone.

It's not out until middle of next month so we've got a short while to wait for DAAAYYHMM it sounds like a corker!

Do wonders never cease?

The Simpsons game is out on XBL (well it is in the US, haven't checked in the UK) but it's actually supposed to be really good.

Yeah right, a Simpsons game?... that's good??... I'm not convinced.

But it's supposed to come out on the same day as Mass Effect. Don't really know anything about that game but everyone seems to be spunking over each other about it so i guess i need to check it out.

* Requires Willpower

I'm trying to quit smoking during the day now. I know it sounds silly but it's all part of the plan. I stop smoking at work then i don't miss it as much when i'm out and about. I believe smoking is 80% habit and 20% addiction so i just gotta break the habit at work...

I've got about 5 hours so far and i'm climbing the fucking walls, not to mention ripping off the head of anyone who looks at me the wrong way.

There's 3 major secrets to quitting smoking.

You firstly say you're quitting, rather than 'giving up' as the latter suggests that it's a sacrifice of luxury you're making, and it's not luxury, so you're 'quitting' instead.

The second is no substitutes, no patches, no smoking tube thingies, no gum, no pens, nothing. Go complete cold turkey, it's damn cruel to yourself but you get over it so much quicker.

And the third is baby steps. Don't think you've got to go forever without a fag, you've just got to go to the end of the hour or until teatime. So i'm gonna go until 1 then have some lunch for half an hour, then bingo i've only got 3 and a half hours to go until i'm home.

Until then i've got a ton of Airwaves black in my pocket and no nails left.

Smoking sucks, but stopping smoking sucks more.

Hack and Slash Galore

* Edited to correct spelling - Jimbo (there's a red line under the words for a reason...)

Just saw on Games Radar that The Conan Demo is available on Xbox Live. I shall have to download that and have a go. Apparently it comes with a limited number of the moves that will be available in the full game but there's still enough to satisfy anyone's bloodlust.

The only game I can think to compare it to for the bloodlust it will invoke is Barbarian from off the Amiga, who else remembers the decapitation finishing move? A little guy came on to drag the body away and kicked the head of the screen :D From what ive seen of Conan there is that, plus a whole lot more.

In short I am really looking forward to this one, lets hope it doesn't disappoint.

Consider yo punk ass ohned!

Well that's one down and a hundred thousand to go. Completely owned the boy last night. Couldn't compete with my mental powers and physical dexterity on the flick-it controls.

I am da mudda-fuckin' Yoda when it comes to Skate. Any bitch comes up to me with dat kind a add-i-tood i will kick them to the kerb and kickflip 540 up and down their ass.

What i'm trying to say is i did rather well on Skate last night and barring a couple of hiccups where i got confused, i generally won every game leaving dat bitch eatin' ma dust, mudda-fucka.

Damn, can't stop talking jive when it comes to discussing my gaming victories. Maybe it's coz i don't win that often so i get kind of giddy when it happens.

Monday, 8 October 2007

Kicking ass and taking names

Gonna play Simpeeer online tonight on XBL, can play any game he likes, i'll still kick his arse.

It's probably coz he's a little bitch and I am the god supremo at all things gaming.

There's only been 2 games in the history of anything that he's been able to beat me at, that's Tony Hawks and Guitar Hero. Everything else is just complete fucking annihilation.

That's why i've been playing skate like a good 'un so i can wipe the smug grin off his rosy fucking cheeks in a skating game.

Don't think i'm quite up to online standard just yet as all the main teeny geeks will have been playing it solidly since it came out and will now be able to get 10,000 on an average 30 second skate run. Although i've nearly done everything on it. Got 21 of 44 of the achievements so far, 13 of them are for online so i won't have any of them yet, couple of them should be easy like buy 50 items and host an unranked online game. Skate is certainly a game that i want to play to full completion, or at least as far as i can.

If you haven't done so already, i would urge you to trade in your unused copy of Halo 3 and get Skate, you'll get far more enjoyment from it and a hell of lot more playability. (Unless your name's Rubberdave then you can just growl menacingly whenever anyone gets close to your Halo 3 disk)

Friday, 5 October 2007

A glimpse of the future

As many of you know, i can be slightly cynical at times but i've gotta say, this is really really good. It's the next 40 years of the internet, but it certainly looks incredibly accurate. It will be very interesting to see what kind of digital world our children will be growing up in. And remember, we're all Prosumers!

Dog with a bone

Continuing the Halo hating debacle zero punctuation has come up with a rather good review of Halo 3. And he's even taking back his review of Bioshock.

The visuals are similar to Fonejacker, which is enjoyable for a reason i'm not sure of but it's good anyway

The fist casualty of war is always the innocent

Or in this case a PS3 magazine.

This is the last issue. I'd miss it if i knew it existed in the first place but i guess they just couldn't justify making the entire mag if it only sold 5 copies a month.

It's the kind of thing that makes you laugh even though you know you shouldn't, like watching people with mental disabilities dancing.

Mmm, piping hot humble pie

I'm the first to admit when i'm wrong. And this is one of those rare times.

Guitar Hero III has a pretty cracking line-up. Million times better than GH2 which apart from a couple of crackers, was a bit shit really.

Here's the lineup in alphabetical order:

Song: "3's and 7's" Artist: Queens of the Stone Age
Song: "Anarchy in the U.K." Artist: The Sex Pistols
Song: "Avalancha" Artist: Heroes del Silencio
Song: "Barracuda" Artist: Heart
Song: "Black Magic Woman" Artist: Santana
Song: "Bulls on Parade" Artist: Rage Against the Machine
Song: "Cherub Rock" Artist: The Smashing Pumpkins
Song: "Cities on Flame with Rock and Roll" Artist: Blue Oyster Cult
Song: "Closer" Artist: Lacuna Coil
Song: "Cult of Personality" Artist: Living Colour
Song: "Even Flow" Artist: Pearl Jam
Song: "Generation Rock" Artist: Revolverheld
Song: "Go That Far" Artist: Bret Michaels
Song: "Helicopter" Artist: Bloc Party
Song: "Hier Kommt Alex" Artist: Die Toten Hosen
Song: "Hit Me with Your Best Shot" Artist: Pat Benatar
Song: "I'm in the Band" Artist: The Hellacopters
Song: "In the Belly of a Shark" Artist: Gallows
Song: "Knights of Cydonia" Artist: Muse
Song: "La Grange" Artist: ZZ Top
Song: "Lay Down" Artist: Priestess
Song: "Mauvais Garcon" Artist: Naast
Song: "Minus Celsius" Artist: Backyard Babies
Song: "Miss Murder" Artist: AFI
Song: "Mississippi Queen" Artist: Mountain
Song: "My Name is Jonas" Artist: Weezer
Song: "One"Artist: Metallica
Song: "Paint It, Black"Artist: The Rolling Stones
Song: "Paranoid" Artist: Black Sabbath
Song: "Radio Song" Artist: Superbus
Song: "Raining Blood" Artist: Slayer
Song: "Reptilia" Artist: The Strokes
Song: "Rock and Roll All Nite" Artist: KISS
Song: "Rock You Like a Hurricane" Artist: Scorpions
Song: "Ruby" Artist: Kaiser Chiefs
Song: "Sabotage" Artist: Beastie Boys
Song: "School's Out" Artist: Alice Cooper
Song: "She Bangs the Drums" Artist: The Stone Roses
Song: "She Builds Quick Machines"Artist: Velvet Revolver
Song: "Slow Ride" Artist: Foghat
Song: "Suck My Kiss" Artist: Red Hot Chili Peppers
Song: "Take This Life" Artist: In Flames
Song: "Talk Dirty to Me" Artist: Poison
Song: "The Metal"Artist: Tenacious D
Song: "The Number of the Beast"Artist: Iron Maiden
Song: "Through the Fire and Flames"Artist: Dragonforce
Song: "Welcome to the Jungle" Artist: Guns 'N Roses

Actually about half of these seem pretty rubbish. I mean Poison, Bret Michaels and Pat bloody Benatar? where the hell did they come from. Poison is shit and Pat Benatar should have stayed firmly in the 80's.

Also i know this game is played a lot in europe but there's a bit too many european songs on there, and as everyone knows, euro-music sucks balls.

But i guess it is saved a little by a few absolute belters on there. Even Flow, The Metal, Welcome to the Jungle, Paranoid, She Bangs the Drums and Sabotage are proper tiptop.

The game's coming out on the pc so i suppose it really doesn't matter that what songs are on there as a week after it's out there'll be hundreds of downloadable songs so you'll be able to pretty much get whatever song you like.

Thursday, 4 October 2007

More excited about this than Skate

OMFG, Cheggers' Party Quiz comes out on the 30th November and it looks mental. You've got a cgi version of Cheggers and he asks you the toppermost poppermost questions with his usual banter of cheery cheeky chappiness.

Can you image sat around the Wii on Christmas day playing this game with the whole family.

It would just be the bestest Christmas day ever and certainly better than that time I had to spend the entire Christmas day in bed coz i had such a bad hangover from the night before and I'd thrown up the entire contents of my stomach so I was just retching from 11am onwards.

Ah, happy times...

Wednesday, 3 October 2007

Seriously quite disturbing

This is the most disgusting thing i've ever seen in my life. Amazingly it's safe for work but don't blame me if your boss throws an eppy anyway.