Friday, 28 September 2007
It's a shame that it's come out in the same week as the biggest game ever for the 360 as it probably won't get the recognition it deserves but i reckon it's definitely going to be a sleeper hit and pick up pace when people get bored of Halo (yeah, yeah, i know, you'll NEVER get bored of Halo and blah, blah, blah).
But i would strongly urge you get your mitts on skate, if even it's just a rental. It's well worth it coz it's proper bostin' (as the kids in the midlands say).
Thursday, 27 September 2007
1. When you're about to beat someone in a fight, they will rapidly flash between red and their normal skin tone.
2. Chickens are easy to pick up.
3. Tennis is really easy.
4. Hockey is almost entirely about checking and fist-fights.
5. Most people don't say anything of interest.
6. On any given day, a 16-year old girl can beat up a gigantic bear, or an old man can beat up a robot.
7. The best way to open a container is to destroy it.
8. When you enter a town, the person closest to the entrance will welcome you to the town and tell you its name.
9. When driving, a full 360 flip is routine, provided you land wheels down.
10. Pay attention to shiny things.
11. All ninjas will try to kill you on sight. Unless said ninja is a super badass ninja who refuses to talk. That guy will run away after saying "..." But beware--he'll be back.
12. Parachutes are standard issue for all soldiers, regardless of what they're tasked with on the Battlefield.
13. Food heals all wounds.
14. Eating typically takes one or two seconds, and can usually be accomplished by standing on top of food.
15. If you run out of bullets, you die.
16. Everyone, everywhere, at anytime is capable of jumping at least 5 feet straight up.
17. Eating mushrooms can make you grow taller. Eating flowers let you shoot fireballs out of your hand.
18. Female martial artists are either little girls in Japanese school clothes, or scantily clad vixens with ginormous boobies.
19. The Web was basically built for people to play puzzle games and tower defense.
20. Windows sucks.
21. Your thumb is your most powerful weapon.
22. Pokemon, though vicious fighting animals, will only attack other Pokemon. Even the biggest, nastiest Pokemon won't hurt a human.
23. Princess Peach really needs a security staff.
24. And so does Princess Zelda.
25. Most people don't mind if you wander into their house unannounced. They also don't care if you go rifling through their chests and barrels looking for items.
26. A large number of doors and gates are controlled by elaborate pulley systems involving statues and clay tablets.
27. Barrels with radioactive signs on the side will explode if shot.
28. Hemorrhaging head wounds can be healed by standing on top of any box with the red cross symbol on the side.
29. Bad guys and monsters tend to enjoy carrying around the same types of bullets your guns use, even if they themselves are not armed.
30. Big ass boobs are great. 3D big ass boobs with a proper physics engine behind them are even better.
31. Massive boobs do not, in anyway, interfere with physical and athletic performance.
32. Most cities, though appearing large, are composed of small alleys and single streets blocked off at both ends by garbage, fences, cars, or mysterious invisible barriers.
33. 90% of all doors are completely fake. They're just painted onto the wall.
34. Solid Snake's co-workers are completely incapable of shutting the f**k up.
35. Turtles come out of their shells if you press down hard on them. Additionally, turtle shells are really slick on the bottom, and thus they slide around on normal surfaces as though they were ice.
36. For the most part, jumping on something's head will kill it. If it does not, then throwing a dead animal at the thing will do the job.
37. All adventures will take the protagonist through an "ice world."
38. If you get poisoned, you won't die as long as you stay still.
40. Grenades are easy to locate in major metropolitan areas. And in fields. And in suburbs. And in airbases. And in hotels. And on the bus. And in schools. But if you find grenades in a military base, they're probably fake and don't really exist.
41. 95% of all computers, desks, tables and chairs are exactly the same.
42. Killing people makes you stronger.
43. When someone dies, their body will decompose within 5 minutes of death.
44. Dead people, after decomposition, tend to leave behind weapons, food, or keys.
45. Bad guys like to build elaborate mazes around their headquarters.
46. The head guy involved in anything is usually trying to destroy the world.
47. Bad guy managers are usually far stronger than any of their underlings.
48. If a bad guy is really really big, you'll have to flip a number of switches in order to damage him. These switches will always reset within 30 seconds of being hit, making Mr. Big Baddy invulnerable again.
49. The more you kill, the better the stuff you get.
50. All store owners will buy any old crap you have in your bag, no matter how much of it you own.
51. If in combat, your enemies will usually stand around and wait patiently as you go through your rucksack looking for your rocket launcher.
52. A knife in the back beats three bullets in the face.
53. When you go to bed at an inn, a 3-second jingle will play before you go to sleep..
54. Hedgehogs do not have blood flowing through their veins, but giant gold rings.
55. The greatest of warriors often communicates in childish aphorisms.
56. Clothing only comes in one size.
57. If you come across a locked door, you have to find the key, even if it's a brittle piece of wood that a grenade should be able to obliterate.
HairOnFire from my band is still waiting for his XBox to come back. He's already had it back once and that lasted a total of 5 days before the red lights re-appeared so off it goes and he's again sat looking at a rectangular shape of dust on his table surrounded by wires connected to nothing.
But, MS understand the pain he's going through and have sent him a free game; Perfect Dark Zero. I'm thinking there's someone one there sat giggling to themselves seeing how far they can push him before he cracks, then kills someone then blames it on NOT playing games. Let's see how the media deal with that little hot potato.
Oh, it's good. Damn good, but damn hard. Not frustratingly hard though i may add. It's not something that makes you throw your controller at the screen, you just gotta line up those sweet grinds and plan your moves beforehand. It's nothing like Tony Hawks where you glue yourself to the rail and mash the buttons while your balance holds out. You have to land the rail perfectly then grind for a small amount then plan where you're going to go next.
I do like it but i think it's a game where you need to play with someone else so you can pass the controller every now and then, my right thumb is rather raw today from flicking the stick all over the shop.
Suppose i should get halo 3 now seeing as everyone in the fucking world has got it. Maybe as well see what everyone is bitching on about.
Wednesday, 26 September 2007
Surely this is a prime candidate for the argument that games cost too bloody much. How the fuck can they justify taking that much money and not lowering the price of the game.
I'll tell you why games cost so sodding much to us, the punter, in one word: licensing.
Whenever a games company makes a game, they pay the console company a licensing fee, which is normally a percentage of the game price.
This is why console games always cost a tenner more than pc games, coz you have to pay the frigging licensing cost.
Load of shite eh?
Tuesday, 25 September 2007
And if you've ever read Books of Blood then you know what a sick little puppy Clive Barker actually is, so don't expect this to be Barbie Horse Adventures 2.
Always a bonus in my book, gotta love that gore.
On a thought, if our generation is so desensitised to violence it's makes you wonder what it's going to be like for our kids, but that's for a different blog entirely!
Classic games were great. If you've never done it you want to get hold of M.A.M.E. and get hold of all the greats. I know modern games are wonderful and immersive but not one modern game of the last 10 years is as difficult as most of the arcade games in the 80's. Most people's game of Donkey Kong doesn't last above 3 minutes. And Pac-Man; how many people can actually last over 10 minutes on that game? I certainly can't.
Also the score was key, today's games are a journey from A to B, there's no real score as such. But the 80's games were all about the score, getting your 3 letter initials on the illusive top 10 gave you immense bragging rights, especially if your local arcade was decent enough to save the scores when they turned the machines off.
Of course, growing up in Blackpool during the 80's had its perks as i was down at the arcades every friday night with my £1.20 pocket money. 10p a game, 12 games, and that would keep me there for at least 2 and a half hours. The secret was to only play the games you could last a while on or if you were good at something, you could play street fighter and winner stays on. Also i was damn good at Dragon's Lair II so 10p could easily last me half an hour. Completed that bugger eventually!
In case you're too young to know half the games here's a short list of the absolute pinnacle of classic games:
- Donkey Kong
- Pac-Man and all derivatives
- Crystal Castles
- Ghosts n Goblins
- Marble Madness
- Combat School
Also if you think you're pretty good at a classic game try checking your score against the Twin Galaxies website that's the official place for classic game scores. These guys are the absolute best in the world at any classic game you care to mention.
Monday, 24 September 2007
Interestingly enough the reader reviews give it 8.5 out of 10 but i think that's because some people are being tossers and trying to upset the average; as is occasionally the case when the public is allowed to say what they want.
That's why freedom of speech should only be granted to people over 25 who aren't complete dickheads.
This is a bastarding shitter of a hard game. The annoying this is, it's really good too. It's cool doing all the tricks and psyches to your opponent then scoring an uber dunk in the oop. Basketball is certainly the original smack-talking game and Homecourt captures that perfectly.
Always hated basketball games before now but i must admit, Homecourt is really good. It's just so frigging difficult.
Completed Bioshock again for the second time last night. Got the good ending this time, which was nice, but not brilliant, i must admit.
But the other reason i did it:
86% achievements! Check it bitches!
Missed 3 coz i didn't know an important part of the game. Apparently you're supposed to let Sander Cohen live after you do the pics for him (i wasted him as he walked down the stairs!), then go to his apartment where the couple are waltzing and kick his arse there. Then you can get into his personal room (10 points), get a 'Power to the People' machine so you can get them all (Got all but that one, was SOOOO fucked off about it). There's probably a diary in there so you can get all the diaries, and then take a photo of him when you've smacked him down (secret achievement). Apart from those, not inventing 100 items and not completing it on hard (fuck that), i got everything else.
Also i completed the entire game without dying once. That's how ridiculously easy easy is.
Just got 4 days to wait for Skate so there must be something out this week to amuse me until Friday, can't think of anything offhand though...
Thursday, 20 September 2007
And from what i've read, it's not brilliant i must say.
Smash Bros for the Wii is going to have online play, but it's the most basic form of online play i've ever heard of. You've got 2 different options for playing online, playing against friends that are already registered in your game or playing against strangers. Playing against strangers there's no ranking at all and no stats, you won't know their name and you won't be able to talk to them. All they'll be to you is Player 2.
I kinda understand why Nintendo have done this, they're desperate to be the console the whole family can enjoy and this will mean that young kids can play fine against adults without the whole worrying concept that i don't need to explain here.
There'll be no verbal abuse as the wii has no microphone at the moment.
The only shitter is the fact that nothing is ranked so a casual player (which most Wii users are, lets face it) will have no chance against the hardcore players who have completed it within 1 day of getting the game. And who doesn't like stats? 73% of people love pouring over their stats (poor quality joke, i know).
It's a good idea but it's also a bad idea. It's nice for casual gamers but there can't be any longevity there as it's just pushing the online gaming community backwards 5 years.
But then, as you well know, i don't play online coz i keep getting thrashed so this might be the turnaround i want. When i win i want EVERYONE to know my name, when i lose i just want to slink away quietly. Of course no-one knows my name because i've never actually won.
Wednesday, 19 September 2007
We have a gig!
About bloody time, you say, I've been dying to watch you guys thrash your stuff for ages.
But hang on, where is it Jimbo, you cry.
Well i'm glad you asked, it's at the Face Bar in Reading on Saturday 17th Nov. If you don't know where it is and you don't actually know how to find out where it is then you're a numpty and i have no more to say to you.
As for the rest of you little maniacs, Rubbersnake will see you there.
Oh shit, gotta learn how to play now, rather than the miming and general fucking about we normally do...
p.s. Just remembered it was demo day yesterday on the 360, wonder what came out...
Tuesday, 18 September 2007
Radio 1 has had this big hoo-hah over it this lunchtime and all the magazines are doing 20 page articles describing how ball-achingly brilliant it is.
I. Just. Don't. Get. It.
What has Halo got that Unreal Tournament hasn't?
UT is the grandaddy of it all (Well Doom is, strictly speaking, but that paved the way for UT multiplayer).
You should try out UT 2004, it's the mutts nuts if you like Halo and it's a hell of a lot better. Also UT 3 is coming out tres soon and that looks DAMN good.
Well i'm quite sure anyway coz i only really played the first Halo, the second kinda passed me by. But, hey, why let a little thing like lack of facts deter me from making my usual heavy-handed opinions.
Oh and Steve with the PS3 (and any other tossface with a gaystation 3), bring on the slagging war Bitch.
One at a time or all at once, makes no difference to me...
Monday, 17 September 2007
Penny arcade actually made me laugh today, something it doesn't normally do as it's a bit fucking smug most of the time.
On the subject of webcomics Ctrl-Alt-Del has got one with Spidey in it. I don't really get it though but at least he called Venom a cocksucker, which is always good in my book.
It's not as bad as you would expect, the gfx are rather tasty with a shit load of explosion left, right and centre. Yes it's bloody hard but if you play it with a mate it's not that bad as you can throw the controller at him in disgust when you can't beat the second level.
Also started playing Bioshock again from the start. Which is a first for me, i've got to admit. I'm determined to get more than 60% of achievements for at least one game. Not going to get the 'complete the game on hardest difficulty' but sod that one, i'll try and get all the others and forget that one exists. Then i can pat myself on the back for getting everything.
- It's too pricey.
- Every game that's come out on multiple consoles has been better on the 360 for one reason or another.
- It's too chunky.
- There's no decent games out on it yet.
- The price.
- No one cares about Blu-Ray.
- The cases look rubbish.
- It costs too much.
- It's a laughing stock.
- You can't copy the games coz Blu-Ray disks cost like £15 each or something.
- It's too expensive.
- Hang on, i'll think of one
- You already know where the buttons are on the controller.
- That's all i can think of.
Friday, 14 September 2007
Don't know if it's multi-region either, which it probably won't be. But it's not on any of the usual haunts. And the ones that are on, are just knackered rars uploaded by some ar-tard who gets sadistic pleasure from uploading shit and watching everyone climb over themselves to get it. Rot in hell you fucks.
Looks like i may have to wait with all the norms and get the bastard when it comes out next friday.
Want to play it now. Haven't been so excited about a game since General Custer on the Commodore 64.
God it looks good, IGN gave it 9.0 and reckons it's so good you'll want to spunk all over the face of the person who sells it you; their words not mine. (disclaimer: may not be their exact words)
Ah, i won't see those kind of nights again in a hurry.
Thursday, 13 September 2007
Although about 30% are rubbish i'll never do like 'Host 10 multiplayer games in the museum'.
Sorry, don't do online any more. It just reminds me how rubbish i actually am when i play on anything but easy.
Some of them are just stupid and only obsessive people like Rasputin out of my band would actually bother trying to get them. The ones like 'complete ep 1 using 1 bullet, grenades, gravity gun and crowbar is fine' is just ridiculous. All that just for 10 flaming points.
And you get 10 points for completing Portal. 10 points! You'll never work so damn hard for 10 points in your life.
Sod that, think i'll just play Fight Night R3 and get 100 points every time i beat someone in a title fight. Only got 2 left to go coz i've got it on easy with fouls allowed.
Then again, those dickheads on the previous post would be the type of people who would get them all just so they could brag to their zitty little friends about it after they've completed Halo 3 in like 4 hours or some bollocks like that.
What the fuck?
What's the sodding point? You could bugger off on holiday, come back in a fortnight and these guys wouldn't have moved an inch.
The one with his arms in the air is wondering what that big firey ball in the sky is...
Wednesday, 12 September 2007
Available off the internet somewhere if you can bothered to look.
Before you poo-pah it, think about it. The PC modding community is still enormous. So ask yourself, which would you rather have? the game on the 360 and having to spend pounds-ten on every official song pack that come out, or have the game on the PC and have hundreds of user-created songs that you can add into the game yourself, for free!
I'll have some of that, thanks very much.
Oh yeah, and it's coming out on the Mac but that's a waste of time coz no-one gives a shit about the mac apart from dumb-ass designers who are all climbing over themselves to clean Steve Jobs's knackers.
To save you some time here they are below:
10. PSX (DVR)
9. Amstrad GX4000 and Amstrad CPC+ range
8. 3DO Interactive Multiplayer
7. Amiga CD32
4. Apple Pippin
3. Atari Jaguar console
2. Virtual Boy
1. Nokia N-Gage
I've never heard of half of these, never seen a Digiblast or Apple Pippin but the one that interests me more than anything else was the N-Gage. You see, i'm quite ashamed to say that i had an N-Gage. The old one as well, the one you had to turn on its side to speak on the phone so it looked like you held a taco on the side of your face. Actually, come to think of it, i've still got it in a drawer at home!
But in its defense, some of the games were actually good. Tony Hawks 2 was very enjoyable and good fun to play on the bog at work. It was just a pain in the arse to carry around in your pocket. And swapping the games was annoying but you just downloaded them and stuck them on an sd card, bingo, no more swapping.
I also wanted a Jaguar when it came out, but only because Demolition Man looked cool and they'd recorded extra footage for the game. Never did get to play it, wonder if there's an emulator around...
Tuesday, 11 September 2007
Spider-Man: Friend or Foe is a kids game and basically it looks like a complete load of hand shandy.
I can't even be bothered finding a decent video of it, this probably has gameplay footage but i haven't really watched it all the way through so it could be that video of that monkey sniffing his finger for all I know. All i know is it's going to be shite.
But let's face it. What other super-hero game has been good?
Superman: on N64, worst game ever made, ever
Batman: Arcade games were ok, shite ever since
Wolverine: Ha! 2 hits and you die, so much for the gay healing factor.
Spider-Man 2: Fucking rocked. Best game ever made in the history of games. Nothing else comes close. Not even a sniff. No it doesn't.
Hulk: Um, yeah ok, that was really good, but that's about it.
Great, so we'll be able to waggle a light saber throughout the entire game as the wiimote doesn't really do anything well other than waggle, twist and point. Let's face it, the delay is too great between moving the controller to it moving on screen.
Don't expect to be able to deflect laser shots or do some kick-ass saber moves. It just ain't gonna happen. Get used to it. You're gonna waggle to attack, just like you do on every other Wii game.
You'll have to forgive the lack of wit and cynicism, i'm full of cold so my head's a bit dulled atm. Of course, jokes about dull heads/being thick/never witty in the first place/etc. are now open to the floor.
Nice use of a Sabbath track in the trailer, very original...
Friday, 7 September 2007
But the review is still most amusing and you will agree with lot of points he makes.
Coming out early next year for 360 and PS3, as long as the PS3 is still around next year and hasn't gone the same way as the Atari Jaguar.
Just noticed that Hulk looks like he's ready to take a load in his mouth. Either that or he's just been violated roughly.
Thursday, 6 September 2007
I've been looking at the Logitech G15, looks rather nice and seems to be the best one that isn't a silly price.
Of course there's always the Optimus Maximus which looks pretty fucking amazing, but it's $1500 and there's no way i could justify to the missus spending £750 on a keyboard.
Wednesday, 5 September 2007
Well that's happened twice this week now, first with Spidey 3 as i can't get past Kraven and get my ass kicked seven ways from sunday before i can get his health less than halfway. Tried that sod about 8 times too, bollocks to it, i'll probably go back to it in a month or so when i've got nothing else to play.
And now with Just Cause. Can't get onto the plane right at the end when you're supposed to waste 'El Presidente' by jumping from your plane to his. It's fucking stupid, i must have attempted that about 6 times and i got within 30ft of the door and still it doesn't let me jump to vehicle. what the hell am i doing wrong? Do i have to shoot the door off first or something? GameFAQs is a load of toss, just told me to jump from one plane to this one. Then it got to about half 11 and i wanted to read Civil War so i turned it off in disgust. Probably won't go back to that one for quite a while. What's the point when you're on the last mission?
Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks. That was another one, got all the way to the end and could i beat Shao Kahn? Could i fuck! Bollocks to it, turn it off.
They should make a website that has the end movies to games so useless pussies like me could see what they're missing. Hey that's a damn good idea, that is.
Sod it, we can still do the stoned review for the skate demo, who knows, the main game might be out by the 14th, but if it's not the demo is really good fun, I would urge you to download it if you haven't done so already, breathes a new life into the skating game and it doesn't seem as goddamn hard as tony hawks.
Source: An article on Aerosmith's next album on Billboard.com states that Guitar Hero IV will be "dedicated" to the Boston band's music.
"Besides the album, Aerosmith is also working closely with the makers of Guitar Hero IV," the article states, "which will be dedicated to the Boston group's music. 'I don't know much about the technical part of it,' Perry says, 'but artistically we're working hand in hand.'" (Emphasis added.)
Well i can hardly contain my impatientness (is that a word?). No honestly i'm really exciting about it, i'm counting down the days already.
Damn is hard to write sarcasm...
You always know that they're going to build on what was excellent about the first one, give you more stuff to do and take out the crap people didn't like. You don't have to go through the rigmarole of working out how to play the game and can just dive straight in.
Some examples of a sequel where the previous was great but the second has just made it better:
God Of War
Grand Theft Auto
I could go on. Occasionally some games lose their way a little throughout the series like Tony Hawk and Tomb Raider but the general rule is a game gets better as they refine it through the series.
This isn't the case with Def Jam Icon. I've been trying to get hold of this game since i first got a 360 and it was the first demo i downloaded. Def Jam Fight for NY was fantastic, it was so brutal, had great killer moves and the interaction with the environment was well done. So you'd think the first Def Jam game for the next-gen console would be really really good.
It's really really good if you're not bothered about finishing moves, hitting people when they're down, cohesive fighting moves, running towards your opponent or enjoying the game at all.
It does have excellent graphics and the characters look really beat up after a while with dust and rips to their clothes and blood down the face but that's all the praise i've got for it. Nothing much else. It just reminds me of Rise of the Robots on the Amiga, it was a pretty game but blimey, it was a shit fighter.
I really wanted to like it but i just can't, it's so damn boring. There's a total of 11 moves you can do and they get very tedious very quickly. When i play a Def Jam game i want to be able to glass them, smack them over the head with a 2x4, pick them up off the floor and smash my knee into their teeth. If you want to do the same, gimme a boomshakalaka (or whatever those gentlemen on the 'street' say) and stick in Fight for NY into your PS2 coz it's a hell of a lot better than Icon.
And the 'cool new feature' of being able to scratch the music playing at the time with the left trigger and right stick is just pointless and wank.
Halo 3, the third game in the best-selling Xbox game franchise 'Halo (video game series)Halo', is a highly anticipated first-person shooter video game under development by Bungie Studios for the Xbox 360 and is expected to "set a new high water mark" for History of video game consoles (seventh generation)|next-generation games, Although it wont look any better than Halo 2.
Christ on a bike, sony really are a bunch of cocks. Everything they touch turns to shit, apart from the walkman, the ps1, the ps2, decent tellies and sanitation, what ever they ever done for us?
BTW, notable failures include: Betamax, Minidisc, ATRAC, SDDS, PSP, Net-MD, Hi-MD and that shitty console that i once saw in a shop back in 2007, name escapes me.
Although i've promised a mate i wouldn't play it until he comes down next weekend, then we can do one of our legendary stoned reviews of it (We get mashed and talk shit about the game, it's entertaining at the time). So it looks like i'm stuck playing Resident Evil 4 on the Wii for the time being.
Tell you the truth Res Evil 4 is most enjoyable, a lot better with a pointer to aim but it does make your right wrist ache after a while. But i guess that's the price you pay for doing something enjoyable...
Want Skate, need Skate, better than Tony Hawks. Not coming out until the 14th.
Monday, 3 September 2007
Super Puzzle Fighter II HD Deluxe: Stupid name, fantastic game, if you never played this game on the original playstation then you're in for a treat. It's the most addictive puzzle game made since Tetris. I fully urge you to get hold of this game then bring the pain to anyone who wants it. It could even be a game that i might win at as i was pretty damn good when it first came out.
Speedball II: The seminal Amiga classic comes to XBL, anyone who doesn't remember this game is too young and too stupid to know what us oldies are transmitting. You can hear the words 'Ice Cream!' shouting in your head right now, go on admit it.
Beautiful Katamari: Too cool for school. There's something so much fun about rolling everything up into a ball that makes the replay value of this game so much higher than everything else i've ever played, even Spider-Man 2. And you'll be humming the theme tune for weeks until 'Ice Cream' drowns it out again.