Wednesday, 31 October 2007

The 100 Greatest Gore Moments in Movies

When you've got a few minutes spare take a look at this. It's most entertaining. The sad part is i've seen most of these movies as horror films kick ass.

The most disturbing moment in a movie, to me, is one you don't actually see anything of. It's the whole 'testicle' section in Hard Candy. It's the only film i've ever stopped halfway through to go sit in the bathroom coz i truly felt sick. Proves that the imagination is the most powerful tool Hollywood has got.

Friday, 26 October 2007

I find this funny but hate both the references

If youve ever played katamari you should find this amusing. I played it but couldnt bring myself to enjoy it, just seemed very annoying. Bit like Star-Wars the other reference in the picture, everyone else seems to love it but I really cant stand it, is it just me or is it the biggest piece of overhyped rubbish ever?

The adventures of Portal Bill

Completed Portal last night. Most entertaining although the entire final level can only be described as a bitch. I think most of the stuff i did in that level was flukey and nothing else.

You can't beat the song at the end though. Worth completing it again just to hear the song another time.

Apparently near the very end there's a massive tv on the wall with orange text on it and within the garbled text it actually has the ingredients and directions for the cake. Great little easter egg, that.

Thursday, 25 October 2007

Yet another giggler to brighten up your Friday

There's a site where they've modified mucky pictures to something a bit more innocent. Dunno the URL, Simpeeer found this one.

MIGHT not be safe for work but will be amusing if you've got mates looking over your shoulder...

Wednesday, 24 October 2007


Or the British Academy Video Game Awards. Now in its second year and people get an actual Bafta for winning so it's not like the TV Quick Awards where it some shite that doesn't really matter.

It was on last night and it looks like a big night for Wii Sports taking home a shit load of awards.

* Action and Adventure - Crackdown (Realtime Worlds, Microsoft, X360)
* Artistic Achievement - Okami (Clover Studio, Capcom, PS2)
* Best Game - BioShock (2K Boston/2K Australia, 2K Games, PC, X360)
* Casual - Wii Sports (Nintendo, Wii)
* Gameplay - Wii Sports (Nintendo, Wii)
* Innovation - Wii Sports (Nintendo, Wii)
* Multiplayer - Wii Sports (Nintendo, Wii)
* Original Score - Okami (Clover Studio, Capcom, PS2)
* Sports - Wii Sports (Nintendo, Wii)
* Strategy and Simulation - Wii Sports (Nintendo, Wii)
* Story and Character - God of War II (SCE Santa Monica, SCE, PS2)
* Technical Achievement - God of War II (SCE Santa Monica, SCE, PS2)
* Use of Audio - Crackdown (Realtime Worlds, Microsoft, X360)
* BAFTA Ones to Watch Award (Independent Dev) - Ragnarawk (Voodoo Boogy)
* The PC World Gamers Award (Public Voting Online) - Football Manager 2007 (Sports Interactive, Sega, PC)

I agree with quite a few here, God of War II kicked some royal ass and it certainly the best game ever made for the PS2, hell of a swansong to go out on. Bioshock for best game, yep, i'd go with that one. Never actually played Okami, it looked very good but i just never got around to it. It's coming out on the Wii at some point so might have to give it a good checking when it does.

Nice to see the PS3 got some recognition. I'm sure this'll do their games production and console sales a lot of good...

Didn't play anything last night as i watched Ratatouille. Really great movie, thoroughly enjoyed it. Brad Bird (director, writer) is Midas at the moment. Be nice if he could do the hat-trick and make a third cracker (first was The Incredibles).

Monday, 22 October 2007


There's only been 2 games in the last 25 years i've ever got a bit choked up.

The first one was Shadow of the Colossus when Agro slips and falls near the end and the second is now HL2: Episode 2. I defy anyone not to get a bit watery on that very last line when it fades to black.

If you don't then you've got your emotions chip turned off or something geeky like that.

You know a game is better than good when you actually get enough emotional attachment to care about the characters.

Now you've got to excuse me, i've got something in my eye...

Exmas is coming, my game collection is getting fat

Aaah, i'm just dribbling over everything that's coming out between now and Exmas.

Fuck the dark nights, fuck the morning frost outside and all that crap associated with winter, who cares about whats going on outside when you've got a veritable smorgasbord of games coming out over the next couple of months:

In chronological order we've got:

Oct 26: Clive Barker's Jericho
Nov 2 : Simpsons Game, Timeshift, Call of Duty 4
Nov 9 : WWE 2008, Lego Star Wars complete saga
Nov 18: The Biggie -> Assassin's Creed
Nov 23: Guitar Hero III, Kane & Lynch, Mass Effect, NFS ProStreet, Army of Two

Oldie but definitely a goodie

Don't know if you've seen this before but it's very amusing:

This week i have mostly playing...

Orange Box, duh!

It's really really good though. Episode 2 is fantastic and i think i'm nearly at the end of as it's only supposed to be 5 hours long.

For one achievement you have to get a Gnome that sits near the beginning of the game. Then carry it with you all the way through the entire game up to near the end where you have to put it in a rocket so you can send the Gnome into Space. 30 points well earned methinks. Although i haven't done it yet, the game's short enough to do it again just for that achievement alone.

Portal: Fiendishly tricksy.

Apparently the automated voice in Portal is hilarious but i'm going deaf so i couldn't really hear what she was saying. It will be cool if they incorporate the portal gun into Ep.3.

In case you're not 100% sure of what it's about, your left trigger shoots an orange oval onto a wall, your right shoots a blue one. You walk through one, you come out of the other. It's pretty much that simple. But the puzzles are sodding hard. Or maybe i'm just thick, i'm not sure.

Team Fortress 2: Foo-kin mental. Tried it with some trepidation last night as it's online only, no bots. Don't like online that much. But you know what, it's brilliant! The class system is so much fun and the Spy is a work of genius.

You push left on the d-pad and disguise yourself as any class of the opposite side. Your team mates see you as a their spy with a cardboard cutout mask on your face but the opposite site see you as one of their own.

Of course, if you're running along with a bunch of your own side steaming in to claim a point, it's pretty obvious what you are so you have to play it cunning. Act like the enemy, hide in the shadows then come up behind them, if you can get up behind them you can literally back stab them and kill them in one hit. If you miss then your cover is blown and they waste the shit out of you. You've also got temporary invisibility and the ability to disable gun turrets set up by enemy engineers.

Absolutely great fun, and i've only tried 2 of the 9 classes so far. Think i'll be playing this game for a while as (amazingly) i'm actually not too bad at it.

Bundle that all together with the best game ever made and the first expansion pack for the best game ever made all onto one shiny new disk, then add in the fact that you'll have a semi bonk-on for Alyx and there's no reason on earth not to get this.

Friday, 19 October 2007

Getting better all the time

There's an article on IGN about the vocal section in Rock Band. To activate star power (which is now called Overdrive) you sing in a bit where you not supposed to sing. Like during a guitar solo you can shout 'Lets here it from all the bitches in the house' or some other suitable singer type shout. Then in overdrive mode the crowd will actually sing along with you in the chorus and stuff.

How frickin' cool does that sound?

Coz i'm wanted, WAAAAAANTEEEEED... [everyone!] DEAD OR ALIVE!

On the down side the sarky i made earlier about it not coming out in the UK until Spring is actually looking likely. Load of foo-kin bollocks, that's what it is.

The Future's Bright

Got hold of the Orange Box last night. So i'll be portaling it up tonight with a delicate splash of Team Fortress 2 and an Episode 2 on the side.

Tried Tiger Woods 08 last night coz Simpeeer was pestering me to play it. Well i say tried, i played 2 holes then turned it off and continued Conan. You really can't play golf with a little thumbstick. Doesn't feel right at all. Skate; yes. Golf; hell no.

It was great on the PC as it really felt intuitive swinging the club with the mouse. But on a joypad there's definitely something missing.

Tiger Woods + Xbox 360 = Bit shit really.

Simp seems to like it though. I think it's coz he's so shit on Skate that he's trying to compensate...

Tuesday, 16 October 2007

Official: Batman is a wanker.

The 30 Most Hideous Gaming Tattoos

I can't be arsed to copy and paste all the copy and images from someone else's website so here's a link to it. It's certainly worth looking through to laugh at people more stupid than yourself.

Suddenly that Soundgarden tattoo you got when you were 17 doesn't look so dumb any more.

Monday, 15 October 2007

Rock Band - The Listing

Here are 37 of the 45 songs coming out on the fantastic Rock Band in November (or whenever it's released in Britain, probably next Spring or something).

Now, is it me, or is this the most kick-ass lineup ever. There's so many mental songs on here, i don't know where to begin. I actually know more than i don't. Ooooohhhh, can't wait now.

Best quote ever about the game: Harmonix representatives have suggested, "If you can play the drum parts on hard, you can pretty much play the drums [in reality]."

* "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" – Jet
* "Black Hole Sun" - Soundgarden
* "Blitzkrieg Bop" – Ramones
* "Brainpower" – Freezepop
* "Celebrity Skin" – Hole
* "Cherub Rock" – Smashing Pumpkins
* "Creep" – Radiohead
* "Dani California" - Red Hot Chili Peppers
* "Detroit Rock City" - Kiss
* "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" – Blue Öyster Cult
* "Enter Sandman" – Metallica
* "Epic" – Faith No More
* "Flirtin' with Disaster" – Molly Hatchet
* "Gimme Shelter" – Rolling Stones
* "Go with the Flow" – Queens of the Stone Age
* "The Hand That Feeds" – Nine Inch Nails
* "Here It Goes Again" – OK Go
* "Highway Star" – Deep Purple
* "I Think I'm Paranoid" – Garbage
* "In Bloom" – Nirvana
* "Learn to Fly" – Foo Fighters
* "Main Offender" – The Hives
* "Maps" – Yeah Yeah Yeahs
* "Mississippi Queen" – Mountain
* "Orange Crush" – R.E.M.
* "Paranoid" – Black Sabbath
* "Reptilia" – The Strokes
* "Sabotage" – Beastie Boys
* "Say It Ain't So" – Weezer
* "Should I Stay or Should I Go" – The Clash
* "Suffragette City" – David Bowie
* "Tom Sawyer" – Rush
* "Vasoline" – Stone Temple Pilots
* "Wanted Dead or Alive" – Bon Jovi
* "Wave of Mutilation" – Pixies
* "Welcome Home" – Coheed and Cambria
* "Won't Get Fooled Again" – The Who

Crash of the Titans - The most honest review ever


I mean really, really wank. Not just like a quick slip off the wrist. This is a send the wife and kids to the cinema for the night coz i'm in for an all-night porn-vortex wrist-buster type wank.

They've taken all that was decent and holy about Crash Bandicoot and make it into utter shite.

I've thrown the disk out of the window as hard as i could.

It's that time of year again

No, not for my bath (that's at christmas). It's where all the new games come out in droves in the run up to Exmas.

It's now been long enough after Halo for the publishers to start releasing games again and i'm just picking up any old crap that's coming out as i'm desperate to play something.

So this week i have mostly been playing Conan as i've completed Skate. It's similar to God of War but without the epic-ness. Which isn't a terrible thing, it's just what made God of War better than everything else. So it's not bad, certainly worth a rent but i wouldn't buy it.

Had a quick go of PGR4 last night on the steering wheel. It's, um, exactly the same as 3 except with bikes and weather. And that's all i have to say about that.

Also got Spider-Man: Friend or Foe, don't care if it's a double dragon rip-off. It's Spider-Man and i have a duty to complete it just like i have with every other spidey game ever (apart from 3, can't do that one).

Plus i've got Crash of the Titans which is the welcome return of Crash Bandicoot. I love Crash Bandicoot, me. But i suspect i may not last long when i can't throw the controller at Simp after i've fallen down the same hole for the last 7 times and he's going on with the 'Give it here, i'll do it' in that annoying fucking smug-faced gittish way of his. And then he does, first time. And then i want to punch him.

Simp's moaning at me to play Tiger Woods 08, just can't bring myself to put it in the drive. Keep meaning to; but can't.

Saturday, 13 October 2007

Wrestling is real no really!!

I have come across perhaps the ultimate proof that wrestling is real and not just men in spandex touching each other.

Friday, 12 October 2007

Jimbeeer hates Kids I hate Asian Gamers.

How come all asian gamers are so fucking good at games, look at this video and tell me that you do not hate this person. They are so skilled at this game it makes me sick. And this is just one of many videos I have seen.

Kids are little pieces of shit

Especially kids that are better than me at something. I just want to kick the shit out of this little bastard. Not because he's smug or freaky or even a bit weird. It's just coz he'll be better than me at most games and it's people like him who always thrash me online at games i thought i was good at. He even plays half of it not watching the screen. I suppose that's the point of playing guitar though.

EA sucks really big balls

Couldn't get onto bloody skate multiplayer last which was bloody annoying to say the least. Wouldn't pit me up with anyone on a quick ranked match and messed up when i tried to do a custom match.

Then i didn't have anything else to play, so i sat staring at my list of games, couldn't see a single thing that popped out to me so watched Bionic Woman instead.

Thursday, 11 October 2007

Addiction just means you're not getting enough of something

In my case, i can't get enough of skate. I've already completed the game and now i'm trying to get all the achievements. That's ALL the achievements. I've just got to hide myself away in a no skate zone for another hour and i've got the milestones achievement so that would mean i've got everything for single player.

Then it's onto multiplayer. Oh jeebus, not looking forward to looking like the runt of the litter again and people sniggering at me coz i can't get any points and fall over doing a basic kickflip.

I love the smell of ice cream in the morning

Speedball 2 is out next week.

I can see a big ol' tournament coming on soon. Get ready to be carried off on a stretcher bee-atches.

Now where would you put this, it wont fit on the mantlepiece

Well I think I know what Jimbeeer wants for xmas. Check this out.

Not quite sure where he would put it though.

Wednesday, 10 October 2007

I drive truck, break arms, and arm wrestle. It's what I love to do, it's what I do best.

Over the Top: 1987, Stallone.

Lincoln Hawk (Stallone) is making his way to Vegas to compete in the arm wrestling world champion and he ends up taking his estranged son who's mum's died or something like that. Anyway, this kid's a right stuck up little tosser that's been in military school or something and of course Stallone lives on the road in his truck and is a bit of a greaser. They hate each other and have nothing in common but they eventually bond and even learn something about themselves along the way.

Fucking fantastic film and way better than The Wizard, which is a bit rubbish these days. Definitely best film ever made about Arm Wrestling.

Plus it's got everything that makes a winner, the kid runs off in a wobbler, hating his dad and gets into trouble while he's pissed off. Stallone turns his cap around just before a match and that makes him better. Big fuck-off bad guys called Grizzly and Bull Hurley and other equally shit-inducing names. When Stallone is losing he moves his fingers in a special way and it's like this arm-wrestling secret that makes him win every match. I mean, who didn't try that when they were kids hoping it'd do the same. Even the song is cool; 'Winner takes it all, loser takes a fall, gonna take it over the top!'. Class.

Best quote of the film: My whole body is an engine. This is a fireplug [makes a fist] and I'm gonna light him up.
Cheese Factor: Gorgonzola

Next week, Critters.

Demo muri dayo

Been getting some of the latest demos from XBL as i haven't done any for a while.

Got Simpsons, Clive Barker's Jericho and Conan. Here are my reviews for each, I've tried to be informative but succinct.

Simpsons: S'alright.

Conan: Bit wanky.

Jericho: Not scary.

Tuesday, 9 October 2007

Praise the lord for multiplayer

You know how much i love multiplayer and playing online. Well the mp for Kane & Lynch sounds abo-fucking-lutely mental.

You all start as bank robbers robbing a bank. All the money you get from the successful robbery gets split 8 ways between you. But wouldn't it be cool if you can lower that number so the split is between, say, 4 or 5 people?

Well in Kane & Lynch you can. If you like, you can waste your teammate and they then come back as a cop with a hefty bounty on your head. You then get an orange triangle with traitor written on it so everyone knows what you've done.

Your escape is in the form of a getaway car that comes around the block every 30 seconds. You can, if you like, wait until everyone else gets in the car, then waste the car, leaving you the only survivor and pocket all the loot, or you can just stand on a wall and pick everyone off as they come out of the building. Cue a shit load of paranoia and not trusting your colleagues.

Whatever happens, it all sounds rather damn cool and wouldn't matter if you were shit or decent at multiplayer as there'd be something for everyone.

It's not out until middle of next month so we've got a short while to wait for DAAAYYHMM it sounds like a corker!

Do wonders never cease?

The Simpsons game is out on XBL (well it is in the US, haven't checked in the UK) but it's actually supposed to be really good.

Yeah right, a Simpsons game?... that's good??... I'm not convinced.

But it's supposed to come out on the same day as Mass Effect. Don't really know anything about that game but everyone seems to be spunking over each other about it so i guess i need to check it out.

* Requires Willpower

I'm trying to quit smoking during the day now. I know it sounds silly but it's all part of the plan. I stop smoking at work then i don't miss it as much when i'm out and about. I believe smoking is 80% habit and 20% addiction so i just gotta break the habit at work...

I've got about 5 hours so far and i'm climbing the fucking walls, not to mention ripping off the head of anyone who looks at me the wrong way.

There's 3 major secrets to quitting smoking.

You firstly say you're quitting, rather than 'giving up' as the latter suggests that it's a sacrifice of luxury you're making, and it's not luxury, so you're 'quitting' instead.

The second is no substitutes, no patches, no smoking tube thingies, no gum, no pens, nothing. Go complete cold turkey, it's damn cruel to yourself but you get over it so much quicker.

And the third is baby steps. Don't think you've got to go forever without a fag, you've just got to go to the end of the hour or until teatime. So i'm gonna go until 1 then have some lunch for half an hour, then bingo i've only got 3 and a half hours to go until i'm home.

Until then i've got a ton of Airwaves black in my pocket and no nails left.

Smoking sucks, but stopping smoking sucks more.

Hack and Slash Galore

* Edited to correct spelling - Jimbo (there's a red line under the words for a reason...)

Just saw on Games Radar that The Conan Demo is available on Xbox Live. I shall have to download that and have a go. Apparently it comes with a limited number of the moves that will be available in the full game but there's still enough to satisfy anyone's bloodlust.

The only game I can think to compare it to for the bloodlust it will invoke is Barbarian from off the Amiga, who else remembers the decapitation finishing move? A little guy came on to drag the body away and kicked the head of the screen :D From what ive seen of Conan there is that, plus a whole lot more.

In short I am really looking forward to this one, lets hope it doesn't disappoint.

Consider yo punk ass ohned!

Well that's one down and a hundred thousand to go. Completely owned the boy last night. Couldn't compete with my mental powers and physical dexterity on the flick-it controls.

I am da mudda-fuckin' Yoda when it comes to Skate. Any bitch comes up to me with dat kind a add-i-tood i will kick them to the kerb and kickflip 540 up and down their ass.

What i'm trying to say is i did rather well on Skate last night and barring a couple of hiccups where i got confused, i generally won every game leaving dat bitch eatin' ma dust, mudda-fucka.

Damn, can't stop talking jive when it comes to discussing my gaming victories. Maybe it's coz i don't win that often so i get kind of giddy when it happens.

Monday, 8 October 2007

Kicking ass and taking names

Gonna play Simpeeer online tonight on XBL, can play any game he likes, i'll still kick his arse.

It's probably coz he's a little bitch and I am the god supremo at all things gaming.

There's only been 2 games in the history of anything that he's been able to beat me at, that's Tony Hawks and Guitar Hero. Everything else is just complete fucking annihilation.

That's why i've been playing skate like a good 'un so i can wipe the smug grin off his rosy fucking cheeks in a skating game.

Don't think i'm quite up to online standard just yet as all the main teeny geeks will have been playing it solidly since it came out and will now be able to get 10,000 on an average 30 second skate run. Although i've nearly done everything on it. Got 21 of 44 of the achievements so far, 13 of them are for online so i won't have any of them yet, couple of them should be easy like buy 50 items and host an unranked online game. Skate is certainly a game that i want to play to full completion, or at least as far as i can.

If you haven't done so already, i would urge you to trade in your unused copy of Halo 3 and get Skate, you'll get far more enjoyment from it and a hell of lot more playability. (Unless your name's Rubberdave then you can just growl menacingly whenever anyone gets close to your Halo 3 disk)

Friday, 5 October 2007

A glimpse of the future

As many of you know, i can be slightly cynical at times but i've gotta say, this is really really good. It's the next 40 years of the internet, but it certainly looks incredibly accurate. It will be very interesting to see what kind of digital world our children will be growing up in. And remember, we're all Prosumers!

Dog with a bone

Continuing the Halo hating debacle zero punctuation has come up with a rather good review of Halo 3. And he's even taking back his review of Bioshock.

The visuals are similar to Fonejacker, which is enjoyable for a reason i'm not sure of but it's good anyway

The fist casualty of war is always the innocent

Or in this case a PS3 magazine.

This is the last issue. I'd miss it if i knew it existed in the first place but i guess they just couldn't justify making the entire mag if it only sold 5 copies a month.

It's the kind of thing that makes you laugh even though you know you shouldn't, like watching people with mental disabilities dancing.

Mmm, piping hot humble pie

I'm the first to admit when i'm wrong. And this is one of those rare times.

Guitar Hero III has a pretty cracking line-up. Million times better than GH2 which apart from a couple of crackers, was a bit shit really.

Here's the lineup in alphabetical order:

Song: "3's and 7's" Artist: Queens of the Stone Age
Song: "Anarchy in the U.K." Artist: The Sex Pistols
Song: "Avalancha" Artist: Heroes del Silencio
Song: "Barracuda" Artist: Heart
Song: "Black Magic Woman" Artist: Santana
Song: "Bulls on Parade" Artist: Rage Against the Machine
Song: "Cherub Rock" Artist: The Smashing Pumpkins
Song: "Cities on Flame with Rock and Roll" Artist: Blue Oyster Cult
Song: "Closer" Artist: Lacuna Coil
Song: "Cult of Personality" Artist: Living Colour
Song: "Even Flow" Artist: Pearl Jam
Song: "Generation Rock" Artist: Revolverheld
Song: "Go That Far" Artist: Bret Michaels
Song: "Helicopter" Artist: Bloc Party
Song: "Hier Kommt Alex" Artist: Die Toten Hosen
Song: "Hit Me with Your Best Shot" Artist: Pat Benatar
Song: "I'm in the Band" Artist: The Hellacopters
Song: "In the Belly of a Shark" Artist: Gallows
Song: "Knights of Cydonia" Artist: Muse
Song: "La Grange" Artist: ZZ Top
Song: "Lay Down" Artist: Priestess
Song: "Mauvais Garcon" Artist: Naast
Song: "Minus Celsius" Artist: Backyard Babies
Song: "Miss Murder" Artist: AFI
Song: "Mississippi Queen" Artist: Mountain
Song: "My Name is Jonas" Artist: Weezer
Song: "One"Artist: Metallica
Song: "Paint It, Black"Artist: The Rolling Stones
Song: "Paranoid" Artist: Black Sabbath
Song: "Radio Song" Artist: Superbus
Song: "Raining Blood" Artist: Slayer
Song: "Reptilia" Artist: The Strokes
Song: "Rock and Roll All Nite" Artist: KISS
Song: "Rock You Like a Hurricane" Artist: Scorpions
Song: "Ruby" Artist: Kaiser Chiefs
Song: "Sabotage" Artist: Beastie Boys
Song: "School's Out" Artist: Alice Cooper
Song: "She Bangs the Drums" Artist: The Stone Roses
Song: "She Builds Quick Machines"Artist: Velvet Revolver
Song: "Slow Ride" Artist: Foghat
Song: "Suck My Kiss" Artist: Red Hot Chili Peppers
Song: "Take This Life" Artist: In Flames
Song: "Talk Dirty to Me" Artist: Poison
Song: "The Metal"Artist: Tenacious D
Song: "The Number of the Beast"Artist: Iron Maiden
Song: "Through the Fire and Flames"Artist: Dragonforce
Song: "Welcome to the Jungle" Artist: Guns 'N Roses

Actually about half of these seem pretty rubbish. I mean Poison, Bret Michaels and Pat bloody Benatar? where the hell did they come from. Poison is shit and Pat Benatar should have stayed firmly in the 80's.

Also i know this game is played a lot in europe but there's a bit too many european songs on there, and as everyone knows, euro-music sucks balls.

But i guess it is saved a little by a few absolute belters on there. Even Flow, The Metal, Welcome to the Jungle, Paranoid, She Bangs the Drums and Sabotage are proper tiptop.

The game's coming out on the pc so i suppose it really doesn't matter that what songs are on there as a week after it's out there'll be hundreds of downloadable songs so you'll be able to pretty much get whatever song you like.

Thursday, 4 October 2007

More excited about this than Skate

OMFG, Cheggers' Party Quiz comes out on the 30th November and it looks mental. You've got a cgi version of Cheggers and he asks you the toppermost poppermost questions with his usual banter of cheery cheeky chappiness.

Can you image sat around the Wii on Christmas day playing this game with the whole family.

It would just be the bestest Christmas day ever and certainly better than that time I had to spend the entire Christmas day in bed coz i had such a bad hangover from the night before and I'd thrown up the entire contents of my stomach so I was just retching from 11am onwards.

Ah, happy times...

Wednesday, 3 October 2007

Seriously quite disturbing

This is the most disgusting thing i've ever seen in my life. Amazingly it's safe for work but don't blame me if your boss throws an eppy anyway.

Some suggestions

Gamespot are asking on their front page 'What else is there to do after you've finished the fight on Halo 3', below are a couple of suggestions.

  • Put your head in your hands and cry over the 12 hours of your life you'll never get back
  • Take the game back and trade it in for something decent like Bioshock or Skate
  • Go to confessional and repent the sins you've made against gaming by 'giving the game a chance coz it might get good in a sec'
  • Smear beef in your fingers and put them in a tank of piranhas so you'll never play again
  • Lock yourself in your room until you're over 30. Actually that's what most of you will do anyway so in that case lock yourself out of your room
  • Poke out your eyes with some knitting needles.
  • Switch off your tv set and go out and do something less boring instead

Tuesday, 2 October 2007

Modified review of Halo 3

Below is Gamespots review of Halo 3. It was clearly paid for by Microsoft and Bungie so i've modified it a little to read a true review without all the propoganda and lies, i know you probably won't bother reading the whole crap so i've edited it down to get rid of the waffle, crossed out the arse-licking and I've bolded the parts i've inserted so you can just scan through. I believe it reads as a true review of this years most hyped game:

Regardless of how you felt about its cliffhanger ending (personally, i couldn't give a shit), there's no denying that Halo 2 was a gigantic success that raised the bar for what we, as a game-playing society, expect out of a good console-based first-person shooter principally as it was the only real fps on the XBox at the time and it seemed to satiate the teenage fat translucent fanboys lust for shooting things. In the years that followed, plenty of games attempted to duplicate the Halo formula which in turn duplicated the Unreal Tournament formula, with varying degrees of success. But there's still nothing quite like the genuine item. Luckily for all involved, Halo 3 is a positively amazing package rehashed attempt at a very worn formula that offers extreme absolutely no satisfaction across all of its different parts. Maybe now you can finally retire your Halo 2 disc and really move into the next generation of games play Bioshock instead.

Halo 3 is an interesting mix of established protocol and intriguing new stuff the same old shit as the first two games. Don't take that as a negative, because it means that Halo 3 plays extremely well so simple even a monkey could complete it, with the same types of light tactical considerations that have made the series stand apart from other, faster-paced shooters look exactly the same it did 5 years ago. In Bungie's pathetic attempt to justify the customer spending forty quid on the same shit you'll also have new weapons and items to consider, such as a host of Brute weapons. One example is the spiker, which is an exciting automatic pistol that fires quickly and decimates opponents, especially if you're holding a pair of them. Another is the mauler, which is a one-handed shotgun that can level enemies up close. You'll even find weapons so huge that your movement speed slows when you carry them. When you use these weapons, the camera pulls out to a third-person perspective so you can see your missile pod, plasma cannon, or flamethrower as it fires. Unfortunately there's no really cool weapons like a mini black hole or the ability to freeze your opponents coz other games beat us to it and we're left with the same old shit as in all other games like another fucking shotgun, plasma cannon and shitty handguns. And then there's the gravity hammer. Originally shown in Halo 2 (where it wasn't usable by the player), the gravity hammer is a large melee weapon that will wipe out most regular enemies in one swipe. Needless to say, it can be especially fun in multiplayer settings. The end result is gameplay that feels wholly familiar without retreading the same ground too heavily. This weapon, unfortunately, is completely useless as you'll be dead well before you get within a hundred metres of your opponents.

The campaign is structured in much the same way as past Halo games, with multiple chapters and effective streaming that ensures you'll see load times only between chapters with the same old crap as every first person shooter; start at A, get to B, kill waves of baddies. Ripping off Half Life 2 There are also lengthy vehicle sequences to break up the on-foot action but they're not very interesting so i'll say nothing more about them. You'll pilot the classic Halo vehicles, such as the Ghost, a hovering one-person craft that's fast and deadly, and the Warthog, a dune buggy with a turret mounted in the back. You'll also see new vehicles, such as the Brute Prowler, which is a two-person vehicle with turrets. Like in previous games, the vehicles are fun to use. Also similar to previous games, the artificial intelligence can't drive very well, so if you're playing alone, you'll usually want to grab the steering wheel rather than the weapons.

The concept of "equipment" is new to the series. These deployable special items have a variety of effects. The most obvious example is the bubble shield: You (and your enemies) can walk through it, but bullets and explosions bounce right off, it's totally weak and unoriginal but it's the best Bungie could come up with and they only had 3 years to play with. It's especially entertaining when your enemies use it, given that you can just walk through and bash them with the butt of your gun. You'll also find items that make your shields regenerate more quickly, and others that drain enemy shields and stop their vehicles dead in their tracks. These items also show up in multiplayer, where they're a little more interesting.

Halo 2's ending was widely criticized for being too much of a cliffhanger and leaving you with no sense of progress or resolution whatsoever being a load of shit but still sold by the bucketload to teenagers with no life. It's good news, then, that Halo 3's story doesn't suffer from that problem at all as it doesn't actually exist! Get from A to B; repeat 9 times, Bingo, game complete. It opens immediately following the events of Halo 2: The Covenant is on its way to Earth, continuing its religious zealotry and attempting to activate the floating space weapons known as Halos, which could destroy civilization as we know it. The Master Chief and the other Earth forces of the UNSC are in hot pursuit to stop them, with newfound allies such as the Arbiter coming along for the ride. We'll spare you the specifics because they're quite compelling and should be seen firsthand. All you really need to know if you're on the fence about Halo 3's campaign is that it's a delicate balancing act that manages to provide satisfying closure for the trilogy, make perfect sense of all the cryptic events in Halo 2, and leave you filled with anticipation for more adventures set in the Halo universe. Not bad for a game that will take most players between 10 and 15 hours to finish on one of four difficulty settings.

But you'll probably it's highly doubtful you'll go through the campaign more than once, thanks to the inclusion of a strong even though they've added in a co-op mode, just like most other shooters out on the Xbox these days. Previous Halo games have let two players go through the campaign; In a piss-poor attempt at originality Halo 3 ups that number to four players and lets you do the whole thing over Xbox Live, if you so choose. This is a really fun way to experience the campaign's nine chapters, and you can choose to go through them in any order, provided you've already played through it alone. alleviates the boredom momentarily, but it really doesn't last longer than an hour at best.

(I cut out all the shit about multiplayer as i'll probably never subject myself to such torture)

Halo has always had a very strong artistic vision that 'last-gen' look, and the graphics have always been just good enough adequate enough to convey the necessary imagery without becoming huge technical powerhouses beautiful grey corridors, metal doors, ruined stone archways and all the other shit you've seen a million times before. That's not to say that the game isn't technically impressive, because it maintains a smooth frame rate throughout, and looks very sharp overall with plenty of great lighting and other nice effects. But the visual design overpowers its technical side and really stands out. Given that the game takes place in a wider range of locales than the previous two games, you'll see a lot of different, colorful environments, including deserts, snow, jungle settings, great-looking building interiors, and not to forget all the explody barrels, gun turrets, painted on doors, crates, the greenest foliage around, and much more. The enemies, many of which are returning from past games, also look great are incredibly generic, predictable, come at you in waves, stand there while you shoot them, have no kind of AI whatsoever and will occasionally kill you or you'll kill them, no skill is really needed as it's mostly luck anyway.

The sound in Halo 3 is a good mix of old and new, much like the rest of the game exactly what you would expect from this kind of game, there's really nothing new at all, in fact you can play with the sound off and make your own, it's far more fun. You'll also hear a ton of combat dialogue, both from the marines that fight by your side as well as the enemies you're fighting, who don't seem to appreciate it when you kill one of their comrades. Our favorite line from the Covenant was probably "You've killed my brother for the last time," which was pretty hilarious to my 3 year old son, who completed it in under 3 hours.

As games start to consider user-generated content, it's becoming clear that more and more games will be ready to give you back just as much as you're willing to put into them bungie will soon start charging you three quid for a new fucking version of the warthog coz they know you'll pay for any old shit they offer. On the surface, Halo 3 is every bit the sequel you would expect it to be, in that it delivers meaningful upgrades to both the story-driven and competitive sides of the package it's dull, repetetive, unoriginal, a tired formula, the online mode is unplayable as everyone in the fucking world will be better than you and when you die constantly all the teenagers will be teabagging you over and over again. If i were you I'd save your pennies and go and have your pubic hair pulled out by an old man with shakey hands and some tweezers. It's infinitely more enjoyable than this tripe.

Wii love Table Tennis

Table Tennis is coming out on the Wii in a couple of weeks. You know, the Rockstar version that was a bit hit on the 360.

I'm pretty confident it won't be any good and will be just like tennis on Wii Sports, where you (amazingly) waggle the controller when the ball comes near.

It's good on the 360 coz it's one of those easy-to-learn, hard-to-master type affairs but i doubt it will be very good on the Wii. Of course i could be wrong, but things like that are very rare :D

Rock Band price finally announced

The price and kit and release date and all that gubbins has been announced for Rock Band.

This is all American prices and dates so i'll translate it to UK below. It's coming out on Nov 23rd, you get a WIRED guitar, a mic and the drum kit and it costs $170.

UK Translation:
It'll come out summer 2008, you'll get the same shit as above and it'll cost £170.

Hang on, where's the bloody bass? Do you have to get another normal guitar so you can have the bass in as well, that's a bit shit isn't it? So that's going to push up the price another fiddy squid.

Annoyingly enough the PS3 version is coming out at the same time and their guitars are wireless, so as you can imagine both the sony fanboys are gonna be gloating about this little detail.

The 360 wireless will come out at a later date which is as annoying as buying the box set of Spaced then they bring out the 3-disk version a month later that you have to get as well coz you feel like you're missing out.

Guess that's Microsoft: 3,229,637, Sony: 1, and you know we'll never hear the fucking end of it.

Just makes you want to stand and stare.

There are some things in this world that, whatever you're doing, just makes you stop and stare...

Monday, 1 October 2007

A load of old honk

It must be me, it really must but I played Halo 3 for an hour on friday then turned it off to play Skate instead.

It's wank. It's so damn basic compared to other fps shooters out there. It may have cut the mustard back in the day but these days it's just toss. Where's the alternate fire? Where's the cool weapons? Where's the interesting levels? Even a double-jump would have been nice.

We've got some outstanding fps out now, Gears of War for example: big fuck-off beasts coming up from the ground, gorgeous gfx, intelligent team-mates, legging it to the next hiding place while you get cover from your team-mates.

There's none of that in Halo, it's just fps at it's most basic. Point, and shoot.

I know it's a game that people buy for its online play but seriously, unreal tournament is SOOOO much better than this tripe.

Ho hum, i'l probably persevere though and see if i can beat the single player campaign. It's summat to do isn't it?