Sunday, 23 December 2007

Don't do drugs kids

I haven't seen The Legend of Dewey Finn but after seeing this i think i want to.

This particular clip tells of horrors of smoking weed...

Saturday, 22 December 2007

Games to Movies

Ok, we all know most games to movies suck the shit out of a dead man's arse. For every Tomb Raider (best one i can think of to be honest) there's Doom, Street Fighter and Mario Bros.

Of course Hollywood still think they can do a decent game to movie so i present the list of movies coming out in 2008 based on games. A small handful of them you have to think that there's no way they can get this wrong, the game has a kick-ass storyline, but this is Hollywood we're talking about and they'll bastardise anything any way they see fit. Lets face it, in retrospect how the hell can they get Hitman wrong? Answer: Throw in a love interest. Dickheads!

(A couple aren't games but the list has been copied and pasted from IGN are it's still interesting so i've kept it in there, i mean; an American version of Battle Royale?! Even bigger dickheads!

Edit: I've added my own comments where applicable

Alone in the Dark 2 - First one was wank, so i heard, did anyone actually see it?
American McGee's Oz (Based on: American McGee's Oz) - Could be good if done right
Area 51 (Based on: Area 51) - Wank
Battle Royale (U.S. version) - I'd rather wank off an old man who's running his fingers through my hair at the time than watch this butchering of the best Asian movie ever made.
Biohazard: Degeneration
BloodRayne 2 (Based on: BloodRayne) - See Alone in the Dark
BloodRayne 3
Broken Sword - Might be ok, probably be wank
Castlevania (Based on: Castlevania) - Spunk bubble
Citizen Siege (Oddworld Movie) (Based on: Oddworld Adventures)
City of Heroes - Could be funny, if played seriously, wank.
Clock Tower (Based on: Clock Tower)
Crazy Taxi (Based on: Crazy Taxi) - Wank
Darkwatch (Based on: Darkwatch)
Death, Jr. (Based on: Death Jr.)
Deus Ex (Based on: Deus Ex) - Pretty cool
Devil May Cry (Based on: Devil May Cry)
Dragon's Lair - Love Dragon's Lair, but will be wank
Driver (Based on: Driver) - Empty, no storyline, lots of car chases and ultimately wank
Duke Nukem: The Movie (Based on: Duke Nukem) - bad as Doom
Eternal Darkness (Based on: Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem)
EverQuest - Baaaaaad
Far Cry (Based on: Far Cry) - Interesting, maybe
Fatal Frame (Based on: Fatal Frame)
Fear Effect (Based on: Fear Effect)
Gears of War (Based on: Gears of War) - Can't be bad... can it?
Getting Up: Contents Under Pressure
God of War (Based on: God of War) - This is gonna kick some fucking greek ass. Don't know who'll play Kratos, maybe a whitened up Michael Clarke Duncan, suppose Gerard Butler might also be good, certainly got the presence of a greek god wannabe (Doing some research on IMDb it reckons that Djimon Hounsou will be Kratos)
Half-Life (Based on: Half-Life) - Ooh, now this is the interesting one... Edward Norton for Gordon...?
Halo (Based on: Halo: Combat Evolved) - Wank
Hunter: The Reckoning (Based on: Hunter: The Reckoning)
Jagged Alliance
Joust - Stupid
Kameo (Based on: Kameo: Elements of Power)
Kane & Lynch (Based on: Kane & Lynch: Dead Men) - One for the adults perhaps, or just like Hitman
Legend: Hand of God
Max Payne (Based on: Max Payne) - Impossible to fuck up
MechWarrior (Based on: MechWarrior)
Metal Gear (Based on: Metal Gear)
Metal Gear Solid (Based on: Metal Gear Solid) - Hmm, unsure
Metroid (Based on: Metroid)
Mortal Kombat (reboot film) (Based on: Mortal Kombat) - I enjoyed the first one, can't really make it any better in my opinion
Nightmare Creatures (Based on: Nightmare Creatures)
Ninja Gold
Onimusha (Based on: Onimusha Blade Warriors)
Pac-Man (Based on: Pac-Man) - See Joust
Painkiller - See Doom
Prince of Persia (Based on: Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time) - Will Smith as the Fresh Prince of Persia
Psi-Ops (Based on: Psi-Ops: The Mindgate Conspiracy)
Resident Evil IV (Based on: Resident Evil) - Pick up the ball, now runnnnn
Return to Castle Wolfenstein (Based on: Return to Castle Wolfenstein)
Sabotage 1943
Silent Hill 2 - And the point is...?
The Sims (Based on: The Sims) - WTF
Soul Calibur (Based on: Soulcalibur)
Splinter Cell (Based on: Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell) - George Clooney for Sam Fisher?
Spy Hunter (Based on: Spy Hunter: Nowhere to Run) - The Rock is doing this one, high-octane wank.
Spyro - Kiddie Wank (not literally, obviously)
Street Fighter (New Version) (Based on: Street Fighter) - Jesus Christ
The Suffering (Based on: The Suffering) - Ooh, horror. Done delicately this could be goooood.
Tekken (Based on: Tekken) - Yeah coz Dead or Alive did so well in the box office
Tomb Raider III (Based on: Tomb Raider) - FFS
Untitled King of Kong Feature Film - Um, why?
Warcraft (Based on: Warcraft) - It was like a million fanboys all cried out at once, at then fell silent.
Zombie Massacre

Friday, 21 December 2007

Now how about that lapdance...

Watched Death Proof last night. That's the one off Grindhouse with Kurt Russell directed by Tarantino. If you still don't know what film i'm talking about then you're too uncool for school, baby.

A lot of people have criticised it for being too slow but i preferred to think of it as steady. There's a lot of dialogue, a LOT. You know the scene in Reservoir Dogs where they're all sat around the table having breakfast talking shite? Well most of Death Proof is like that. There's scenes and scenes of the girls just talking amongst themselves. But the beauty of Tarantino is that whatever they're saying, it's still interesting. You don't feel like you're watching a movie as much as you're sat there with them joining in with the chats. The conversation feels so natural between them.

And of course it's not all just talk, talk, talk. There is some action. And there's at least 4 places where you'll wince loudly. And Kurt Russell is deliciously evil but with an interestingly lonely, vunerable side.

As you can probably tell, i really enjoyed it and the other movie on Grindhouse; 'Planet Terror' is supposed to be a lot better so i thought i'd watch the shitter one first. Glad I did.

Oh yeah, and the Grindhouse style scratches and bad edits are very well done.

Thursday, 20 December 2007

I'm gonna rip off your head and shit down your throat

From the 3D Realms website, at least they've got a sense of humour about the whole thing, but it's getting to that point these days where people aren't really caring any more. The jokes have come and gone, people are moving onto new stuff and the whole duke nukem debacle has just become a little bit pathetic.

There's no way it can actually live up to it's own hype and it certainly seems like an exercise in how not to make a game...

No, you cannot pre-order the game. If you see some online store saying "We are taking pre-orders", they're just trying to get your money (they usually also make up their own supposed "insider release date info", too). There is no release date set, we are not taking pre-orders for the game. End of story.

Once we begin taking pre-orders, believe us, you'll know about it. :)

The release date of this game is "When it's done". Anything else, and we mean anything else is someone's speculation. There is no date. We don't know any date. If you have a friend who claims they have "inside info", or there's some game news site, or some computer store at the mall who claims they know - they do not. They are making it up. There is no date. Period.

And yes, we know the game has taken a long time. There's no possible joke you could make about the game's development time that we haven't already heard. :)

Wednesday, 19 December 2007

Definitely NSFW

Quite possibly the strangest Jap superhero porn I've ever seen. It's worth watching but if you're at work then I'd suggest putting your hands around the screen or reducing the window or something:

For Marvel's Sake

I really really hope this isn't the new Marvel fighting game that i stuck a trailer up for a couple of months ago, coz if it is, it's going to be proper shit.

Not just fake shit or even Diet Shit, it'll be full-fat extra caffeine shit, with nutty bits and sweetcorn in it...

Oh, and it's called Marvel Nemesis, apparently.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Here's a post from the Marvel website on the upcoming Wolverine movie. It doesn't tell you much but it's more than you already know:

Hold on to your hats, mutant lovers! 20th Century Fox has released the following statement to update movie fans on "X-Men Origins: Wolverine," the highly anticipated X-prequel set to star Marvel's lovable Canucklehead:

"'X-Men Origins: Wolverine' is set to star [Hugh] Jackman and will be directed by Gavin Hood ('Tsotsi,' 'Rendition'). The producers are Lauren Shuler Donner and Ralph Winter (who produced all three previous 'X-Men' films), along with Jackman and his Seed Prods. producing partner, John Palermo. The film will be executive produced by Marvel Films' Kevin Feige.

"Leading up to the events of 'X-Men,' 'X-Men Origins: Wolverine'—written by David Benioff ('The Kite Runner,' 'Troy')—tells the story of Wolverine's epically violent and romantic past, his complex relationship with Victor Creed, and the ominous Weapon X program. Along the way, Wolverine encounters many mutants, both familiar and new, including surprise appearances by several legends of the X-Men universe."

We can't wait! "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" is set for a May 1, 2009 release. Filming is scheduled to begin early next year in Australia and New Zealand. Check back here on for more updates on the film!

Tuesday, 18 December 2007

What you've been waiting for

Sorry, STILL not that impressed...

Bored, bored, bored

Jeebus Chris i'm bored at the moment. Completed Mass Effect, completed The Simpsons. Tried to get further in Flatout: Ultimate Carnage but couldn't as the difficulty is set to stupidly-fucking-impossible as default and you can't change it.

Started playing Brunswick Pro Bowling on the Wii last night which is the biggest pile of shitty shit ever made. Clearly they've never heard of Motion Capture as your guy walks like a retarted headless chicken needing a poo. The ball spins whenever it decides to, it rolls down the alley at about 8 mph and strikes the pins with all the force of a marshmallow hitting a concrete bunker. Annoyingly Wii Sports Bowling is about 10 times better than this spasticated crap.

Why the fuck can't they do an actual decent game for the Wii, i've lost interest in Mario Galaxy coz, like every other bloody Mario game since 64 the difficulty creeps up until it gets impossibly hard and frustrating as you get thrown back to the beginning of the level when you die, which you will, a lot!

Come to think of it, i haven't actually completed one single game for the Wii since i bought it a year ago. That's pretty poor that not one game has held my interest long enough to warrant completion!

Looks like i'm gonna be spending the next week updating and categorising my porn collection...

Now does 'Adventures of a Midget Pimp Daddy' go under Midgets or 70's?

Thursday, 13 December 2007

Manly Me

I'm so manly, i installed a washing machine last night. My first ever. And the damn thing worked too so i did the old standing back with my arms folded watching it go round.

Aaaanyway, am still playing Mass Effect and it's reeely gurd. Don't think i've ever played an rpg where i actually give a shit about the characters and don't press x to skip all the dialogue. And the shooting's great as well. None of that turn-based 1D6 bollocks, you shoot someone, their energy drops. You get a head shot, they die, simple as that.

Hopefully this might actually be the first rpg i'll ever play that i might complete. Hell i didn't even complete Twilight Princess on the Wii and that was great (even the shaking of the nunchuck to attack, back then it was actually original).

If you're looking for something during the xmas period to bring you back into that comfortable gaming bubble you all know and love, then mass effect will certainly provide that.

I'd go so far to say it's better (yes, that's better) than Oblivion. At least it's not goblins, dragons and imps which have definitely been done to fucking death.

Wednesday, 12 December 2007

Does whatever an iron can...

Another day, another video. But at least it's game related so i can be forgiven a little bit.

Tuesday, 11 December 2007

Halo 3 - A load of old bollocks really...

Fuck me, this is turning into one of those video collection blogs where people who can't actually be arsed to write anything think visitors will flock to their site in droves just because they've posted up a couple of videos of cats doing the funniest things(tm).

Saying that, Zero Punctuation feels pretty much the same as i do about Halo 3. He couldn't give a fuck about online playing. Yeah, that's me also. Who need XBL! Not me, that's for sure.

No I don't...

Don't miss it in the slightest...

(Quiet sob)

Monday, 10 December 2007

worst movies ever.

Just stumbled across this little gem actually had me and Mrs Simpeeer Laughing quite hard especially the last clip.

I've gotta see this movie

I don't know if it's real or not but holy mother of fuck, it looks awesome...

Yep, it's real...

Get me a knife and fork and a dictionary

Coz i am, quite literally, about to eat my words.

Getting so damn bored with games at the moment. Not even Call of Duty 4 is impressing me. Haven't played Kane & Lynch for about a week, fell asleep playing Assassin's Creed, UT3 is suffering from the same bugs that used to annoy me about PC gaming but i'd completely forgotton about, stuff like freezing, game suddenly quitting, etc. Even Mario Galaxy is gathering a bit of dust now as there's only so much Mario you can take at any one time.

I was so bored i got Mass Effect and my god, it's actually good. Really good. This has to be the first rpg where i've actually cared about the storyline and characters. I tell a lie, Oblivion was a great storyline but it got a bit tedious spending 2 hours in each Oblivion plane when they essentially looked and worked exactly the same as the last.

I think it's the action more than anything else. You've got the obligatory long conversations but you've also got some great action worthy of any 3rd person shooter. Then you've got hundreds of planets you can actually land on and drive around on the barren surface, even get out and scout around while the atmosphere eats away at your suit, compare this to landing at the only space port on the planet and only run through the corridors the programmers have made for you. It's a hard game, don't get me wrong, it's certainly not as easily explained as Oblivion and some of the interface options could be better, but all in all, I'm actually really enjoying it. And the gfx are superb.

Hate to coin an old cliché but if you loved Oblivion, you'll love Mass Effect.

Just remember it's for over 50 hours of gameplay, so it's not just for Christmas.

Friday, 7 December 2007

Speed Racer? Anyone?

If anyone knows what Speed Racer originally was then i'd be happy for you to enlighten me. But until the the Wachowski brothers have come up with the movie version and the trailer's now doing it's rounds. Looks very, um, i dunno, colourful?!

Can't make up my mind at all, i presume it's being faithful to the original cartoon but i never really watched that or know anything about it so i have no basis of comparison...

Thursday, 6 December 2007

It's that time again

hasn't been one for a while so here we go...

Wednesday, 5 December 2007

What are you? I'm batguy

I know half of you will be going dipshit over the new batman film. Personally i couldn't give a shit about Batman Begins coz i seem to be the only person in the world who thought it was a bit wank.

But here's a nice picture of Heath Ledger as the Joker and also the poster which has just come out. Even i'll admit he does look quite interesting. It'll be his mannerisms that'll either make or break the film though. Gonna take a hell of a lot to beat Nicholson...

Tuesday, 4 December 2007

Turnip for the books

Bought (yes that's right, i BOUGHT!) Unreal Tournament 3 for the pc on saturday.

It was like putting an old pair of slippers back on was playing with a keyboard and mouse again. Feels so comfortable and responsive compared to a controller. There's just no comparison for first person shooters.

Only bugger is i can't run it on super hires so everything looks a bit pixellated now compared to the 360.

But diyyam, it's enjoyable. Haven't played online yet but i'm actually looking forward. It's probably the only game where i can hold my own against real people and i have so missed playing with a mouse again.

I would highly recommend getting it when it comes out on the 360. Million times better than Halo and being on a hoverboard latching onto a vehicle is tres cool.

Eeh, the language...

Been playing Kane & Lynch coz there's nothing else to play. It's a lot better than i thought it would be, certainly playable. Bloody hard, and that's on easy.

Its saving grace is a storyline that's actually coherent. Each level is joined onto the previous rather than just go here, kill these people, then go here and kill these. There's a reason you're doing everything and that's a strong selling point to me.

I think that's the reason Bioshock is such a good game, it has such an immersive storyline that you want to play further coz you want to know what happens next.

Maybe it's just coz i'm getting on a bit but you can right get into a decent storyline and characters you care about.

But bugger me, the language in Kane & Lynch is fucking disgusting, there's just no need, you'll never hear that kind of crap coming out of my mouth.

Monday, 3 December 2007

Drummers Songs

Gamesradar has got an article on songs on Rock Band that would be great for the drummer to play. The problem is, this article was clearly written by a non-drummer and these songs are in fact completely wank to play.

Here's a real top 5 songs that are actually fantastic to play for drummers:

Fireball - Deep Purple
This song is the drumming equivalent of Through the Fire and Flames on Expert. It's really fast, really complex and really tight. Admittedly i can't actually play this song on the drums as i'd probably have a coronary half way through it.

Voodoo Chile - Jimi Hendrix
Absolutely brilliant song, and the drums have so much passion, they're loose and heavy, and this song is so much fun to play.

The Wizard - Black Sabbath
The drums lead this song, the fills during the verses are great and teach you a lot how a good fill can be applied to the middle of a song to really liven up a pretty basic tune.

Won't Get Fooled Again - The Who
This is already on Rock Band's line-up and is one of my personal favourites ever to play. Keith Moon is a legend and this song shows him in all his glory. He was the loosest drummer i've ever seen just throwing in fills and crashes anywhere he fancied and, my god, it sounds good.

Kashmir - Led Zeppelin
One of the simplest drum beats you can do , but it's just so damn strong in this song that John Bonham actually got a writing credit for his contribution. The crashes are just perfectly timed and coupled with the string section the drums really drive the entire song. Any other rhythm just wouldn't have worked.

Saturday, 1 December 2007


got the dreaded Z: 190D

ah well, i knew it was going to happen sooner or later, got 6 months worth out of it and if they ever bring out that killer game (i'm thinking about Rock Band here) then i can just get myself a cheap Core from somewhere and swap and change them as needed.

And i can still play everything i've got so it's not like the console's been bricked or anything.

Trying to alleviate my guttedness here...