Thursday, 14 February 2008

10 reasons why Burnout Paradise is wank

1. Plays Paradise City every damn time you turn on the game, normally i'm skinning up while the game boots up so i end up listening to the whole sodding song over and over again.

2. There's too many races and not enough of other events

3. They got rid of the junction crashes, which were, without a doubt, the best thing ever about Burnout 3. What's more they've replaced it with that bouncing around thingy that can go on for 20+ minutes and gets REALLY boooooooring, but you can't stop coz you have to get that ubiquitous high score on every street.

4. The biggest annoyance by far is you can't restart an event if you're doing badly. What kind of fucking retarded twat decided it would be a good idea to to remove the restart race option.

5. It keeps making me play it, coz it looks cool and the gfx are great, so i play it, for about 10 minutes, then i switch it off in disgust.

6. Even Marked Man, which is a great premise, is a bit rubbish after a while coz you just take the journey slowly and they don't get you.

7. I get constantly lost doing the races as i keep taking the wrong turning. The signs flash to take the correct street at the top of the screen but they're so small they're too easy to miss, especially when you're burning up the street.

8. Take one wrong turn and you've lost the race, which you then have to complete coz you CAN'T FUCKING RESTART!

9. I have to constantly stick with a stunt car as the race cars are too hard to control and the muscle cars are too weak in acceleration.

10. You WANT it to be so much better than it is coz it's Burnout and Burnout's cool, innit? So you play it, and you overlook everything i've just written here coz it's Burnout, then after about 30 minutes you pause the game to do something or other and you're really not in a rush to get back into the game.

11. When you go up in your license it resets all the races and stuff you've already done so you do everything again. THEN WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT?! There's nothing to complete, it should make you scout around and do each of the races, etc. That would make it more challenging, at least give you a sense of acomplishment when you do a particularly difficult race.

9 comments:

Chadwick Monkey-Nuts said...

Completely, totally, 100%, entirely, etc agree with you dude. Its a steaming pile of wanky wank.

Chadwick Monkey-Nuts said...

Actually, I should correct myself... its a tepid puddle of jizz.

chairboyrules said...

I can't agree with all 11 points:-
#1 Every game has music of some kind when you start, this has excellent music. How is that a bad point?
#2 There is enough variety, but then again Burnout is mostly about racing, in any previous version, racing is the most common event.
#3 Agree
#4 Don't think you were strong enought.
#5 It does look awesome!!
#6 The should have put a countdown clock in this to force you to race
#7 Pause, check Map, Un-Pause
#8 See #4
#9 Love race cars
#10 No Comment
#11 If there were only 120 events we would all be complaining it's too short, by clearing the board at each level you can make later license much tougher to acheive.

All in all it's still fun, however I don't think I'm going to get it for the PS3.

Jimbeeer said...

Thank you chairboy for your comments but unfortunately they are completely discountable as you have very stinky bottom cheese.

Sorry about that. Maybe when it's clears up a bit (perhaps some kind of arse-scraper) then your comments might be valued.

In the meantime keep those comments rolling in (no pun intended) :)

Willy Clinker said...

I think you'll find he also suffers from winkle chutney.
comes in handy (literally) when making sandwiches.

Arcade Insider said...

Psygnosis's seminal 1992 Amiga classic, Bill's Tomato Game is coming to Xbox Live Arcade this coming Wednesday. Priced at 800 points.

About the game: The game requires the player to guide Bill up the vine of Sammy Squirrel and rescue his girlfriend from the squirrel's villainous clutches. The vine consists of 10 worlds of 10 levels each. All consist of numerous obstacles he has to overcome using the help of various items (e.g. fans or trampolines).

Rek Danger said...

jim

you ever played "Avatar: the last airbender"?

i think you'd like it.

Jimbeeer said...

who the buggery flip is 'arcade insider' and why is he going on about some shitty tomato game on XBL?!

As for Avatar, i've got Naruto, that's not too bad, spose i could give avatar a go this weekend. Love jappy shit but don't like anime. Unless it's got a title like 'Tentacles & Minge 2'

Oh yeah, and any game where you have to 'Pause, check map, unpause' is an instant cockpouch

Anonymous said...

i googled 'burnout paradide wank' because i knew there would be a post like this, every point is bang on! could have been so much better!